obfuscational hazard

I was relying on pure adrenaline now, Monkey Keys. My short rest at the third obelisk was enough to spur me on. I took to the west path and headed into the botanical gardens at a near run.

The gardens were crawling with Reds, but they were all too weak to be a threat to me. Most were mere phone larva. If I paused for long under the flowering trees I could hear them munching away at unknown voices on the other line. It wasn’t time for sightseeing though. My situation was becoming dire. Only one obelisk remained between me and certain death. An hour into my run and I was already degrading into a hazy stumble.

“Have to keep moving, Feanor…” I mumbled to myself as I began to creep forward again.

“Says something about your state of mind, doesn’t it?” There was no mistaking Elizabeth’s voice from above. I shot a glance skyward to see her perched in a flowering cherry tree.

“What?” was all I could stupidly respond as I nearly fell over.

“Well you’re talking to yourself. I really only know a few people who talk to themselves, and they’re generally rather frightening people. One you narrowly escaped comes to mind.”

“I don’t need advice from a Red. Frankly, I’m not overly surprised you’re following me. You’re probably here to get the last of the green nectar for yourself, and leave me to die.”

“Your rudeness and paranoia also say something about your state.”

“As does you’re levelheaded cockiness!” I scoffed. Elizabeth smiled and slid from her branch to my feet. Her eyes never left mine as I recoiled a step. She reached into a small satchel at her side and produced some light brown powder.

“What are you doing?” I queried as she lifted the substance toward my face.

“I’m giving you a drink.” She pointed toward a small spiky plant behind me and broke off a stem with some form of telekinesis. The amputated plant floated effortlessly to her hand. She turned it on its end and threw the powder inside. There was apparently a sugary liquid contained within the plant that absorbed the powder. “Care for some?”

“Instinctually I would say no… however, since I don’t think I have the strength to make it much further without something…”

“I promise you it’s probably not poison.”

“Good enough,” I grabbed Elizabeth’s stem cup and quaffed the liquid without a second thought. Death by poison was better than death by fatigue any day. The substance was hot. It nearly burned my throat going down. I was about to call shenanigans on her promise of a near poison free beverage when I felt strangely rejuvenated.

“This botanical marvel… it’s fantastic!” I called as I felt life flowing through my veins again.

“It’s called Cabana,” she said while sipping from a plant of her own. “It’s not as powerful as the medicine you seek, but it may be enough to get you there.”

“I’ll be able to make if for sure now! Thank you Elizabeth.”

“We’ll be in touch Feanor of Westshore.”

“Wait!” I tried to call as Elizabeth shot back into the tree line and out of sight. I sighed looking at the petals flutter down from where she had teleported. “I hope we will…”

There was no time to lament about our parting though. With renewed energy, I ran at a sprinters pace toward the final obelisk. The ground became treacherous as I left the Botanical Gardens. The Lost City used to be part of Techerton. It was taken over by the beautiful harpy Reds in the war of relocation nearly a year ago. They had taken it and expanded. Their Red tapestries fluttered in the wind on their high walls. Plasma screens lined the walkways with Red propaganda blaring from their speakers.

I had to be careful here. These Reds were dangerous. Some said they had the voice of the empire behind them. With a single word, they could bring empires to the ground; the dark lord Livy’s personal army of media relations. I held my silver badge close and ran to the Obelisk.

“Oh please holy stone,” I said raising my dollar 25 toward its gaping maw. “Please accept this humble offering and reward me thusly.” The machine took my money, and I hit the switch for my nectar.

Sold out.

Tears began to fill my eyes as I frantically hit every switch on the beast. The same phrase greeted me every time.

“Why hast thou forsaken me!” I screamed into the air as I fell to my knees. I heard 5 quarters fall into the change return as I sobbed into my hands. “There’s nothing for me now… Petre, I’ve failed you.”

“No you haven’t Feanor,” a voice came from overhead.

“Petre, but that’s impossible! I saw you get a new job with my own eyes!”

“And I did. But I have found a way to communicate with you through the badge when all other hope is lost.” I turned my gaze to the silver badge at my side. It was glowing now.

“Petre,” I said into the badge, “There are no machines left. Every one of them denied my sacrifice. I’ll die out here for sure.”

“Then go where there is no machine at all. You must travel Feanor. You must go over hill and under roof. There, past the Portal of Heights Pass, and in the very lair of Livy himself, you will find the greatest nectar of all. The Amptastic Treat.”

Of course! The Amptastic Treat. How could I have been so foolish? It was not gifted through an obtuse obelisk. This was the drink of the gods. Livy himself kept the cache safe in his tower’s basement.

“Petre, how can I get there? The tower is so far away.”

“Yous n-n-not be-e-in’ dem getter-in’ do-do-doooooo” Steven came rolling from atop the obelisk. He held an empty flask of nectar in each hand, and several more fell off the machine behind him.

“The last obelisk of nectar; he must have drank all of it!” I yelled as Steven shuttered toward me. His eyes were wild, and his grin was twice that of normal. Flasks fell from his pockets around his feet.

“Dieeeeeeee-l-l-l-l-lon… b-b-b-b-berin bering bering! DOOM!” Steven lunged at me leaving me just a second to jump out of the way. “Badgery-Badgery-Badgery-Badgery-Badgery-Badgery-Badgery…”

There was no reasoning with him in this state, and without Narglos I was helpless. Steven leapt again and sunk his teeth into my arm. I grabbed a nearby char and swung it vigorously into the back of his head. Wood splintered in various directions without so much as a flinch from Steven. He released my arm on his own terms, and head butted me into the obelisk.

“Yousbeeringdemstealsingfromdemstevenhisredbadgery-dofohebeinevenbacktodemtechertonleaveringhetobeeated! EATED!” Steven began to charge me again. I quickly kicked an empty flask in front of him. His left foot landed atop the container and sent him soaring onto his back. This brought me a precious few seconds to get on my feet. As Steven collected himself, his face went white with anger.

“D-d-d-d-d-dylans…” he growled as he got to his feet. He grappled the obelisk and, with superhuman rage, brought it over his head. “Crushes and s-s-smash and crushes and s-s-smash and fine…”

“Feanor!” Elizabeth yelled from behind. “Grab my hand!” I didn’t object as Steven stalked closer.

“Lizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” he started hissing as his eyes narrowed further.

“Steven, how’s your bladder holding out?” Elizabeth inquired as he drew within striking distance.

“Bladdery….do?” Steven suddenly looked frightened and his arms wobbled.

“Feanor, I just need another ten seconds to gather the energy to teleport out of here. I have to take what little you have left though.” I looked up at Elizabeth and nodded.

“Just take us as close to Livy’s tower as you can,” I said as my strength began waning.

“M-m-m-m-m-e crushering crushering crushering!” Steven yelled as he brought his arms back to throw the machine.

“Now… would be nice…” I mumbled as my vision dimmed.

“Crushering!” Steven hurled the machine straight at us.

“Not yet!” Elizabeth said with a sharp breath. We weren’t going to make it. I closed my eyes and smiled.

“Wait… Dylan, you’re telling the story wrong!”

What’s that Grandson Key?

“Feanor and Elizabeth, they don’t die here do they?”

Well I’m just telling you what’s written. And it says they don’t have enough time to avoid the machine.

“I’m telling you you’re reading it wrong!”

Look, do you want me to read you the story or not?

“…go ahead I guess.”

Thank you. Now, where was I? Steven is coming after them, Elizabeth is gathering energy… ah here we go. Not yet Elizabeth says. And Feanor closes his eyes and smiles.

“That’s not safe!” Petre yelled from beyond the badge. My silver safety badge began glowing and shot a bright light into the heart of the machine freezing it in midair.

“See, I told you that snake Steven would never kill them.”
Yeah yeah, you’re very smart, now shut up.

When I awoke I was lying on a mountain pass. Elizabeth was curled in a ball with her cloak over her. Behind her was Livy’s tower. I couldn’t believe it. She had managed to teleport us to the base of evil. The dark lord himself was closer than ever before. Elizabeth must have sensed I was awake, and got up herself.

“How did we make it?” I asked turning back to the tower.

“You don’t remember? Petre sacrificed the silver badge to stop Steven.” It was then I grasped for the badge at my side only to find nothing.

“No…” I said looking back to Elizabeth. “That badge was beyond us! It meant everything to him.”

“Evidently not.” I stood for a moment looking at the sky.

“Thank you Petre.” I said at length.

“Feanor, why did you want to come here?”

“It’s the only place left in the corporate center that has the nectar. Either we get the Amptastic Treat of legends past, or I go without caffeine for a day, and die…” Elizabeth nodded in quiet agreement.

“I can’t go with you Feanor.” I kept my gaze fixed on the tower ahead. “I want to… perhaps too much. It just isn’t my place. We’re from two different worlds.”

“If it’s any consolation Elizabeth, you made me hate myself for my opinion of Reds.” She laughed. “Will I see you again?”

“I don’t know Feanor. Please, take care of yourself. Goodbye…” With that, Elizabeth vanished in a blue light.

“Goodbye…” I said to the dry air around me. I was alone.

It was a long hobble up to the foot of Livy’s tower, but I managed well enough. My sleep in the mountain pass had given me the precious energy I needed for the last leg of my journey.

I was able to sneak by the door guards easily enough, and a few moments later I was face to face with the stockpile of nectar at Livy’s disposal. There were thousands of flasks of nectar and Amptastic Treat. A tear rolled down my cheek.

“I do decree, I have discova’d these flasks have healing powers!” I went frigid. It couldn’t be! Was Livy here to claim the Amptastic Treat? “I have discova’d it! I shall build a squa’! A glorious 4 corna’d squa’! And there I shall drink of these Amp colas!”

“They’re not cola…” I grumbled as the dark lord moved past me.

“Hmm? What’s this? A little plebeian I have discova’d. Have a nickel plebeian!” Livy tossed me a quarter, perhaps because he didn’t know what change was worth, as Red spider secretaries scurried in and gathered the Amp. There was nothing I could do. I just watched. “Yes! I am glorious!” Livy yelled as they all departed. I quickly ran to the stockpile of nectar. There was only one left; a Cherry Coke Zero.

Holding the dusty flask in hand, I approached the cashier. “That’ll be a dollar 45,” she said condescendingly.

“A dollar 45?” I inquired. “The machines all over the building sell these for a dollar 25.”

“Then go get one there,” she spat. I gave her my treasured dollar 25 and Livy’s quarter. She gave me a nickel in change.

A Canadian nickel.

The journey was finally over. I had my nectar. There was no money left and nowhere else to go. So I drank it.

Coke zero does not taste like regular coke.

The deepening shadows on the canyon walls filled me with a certain level of dread, Monkey Keys. A simple matter of light can really play tricks on a man who hasn’t seen the area void of it. I started tracing my hand along the rock and straining my eyes against the deep blue wall before me.

“Relax Feanor,” I began talking to myself. “What are you, man or nectar? Why, you’ve been in hundreds of worse situations without the aid of caffeine. Remember that time you were lost in the Chemdew with only a juice box to sustain you? Then that janitor snake tried to drink it all when you weren’t looking, but you saw him all along.” I laughed in nervous remembrance. Something was out there.

I had heard a faint muttering during my soliloquy.

“Yeah, you do mutter from time to time.”

Hush Needs to Affirm Own Self-worth Via Slander Key. I heard the sickeningly familiar muttering of a lost new hire.

“Ok, only another mile or so to the west obelisk,” I reassured myself while quickening my pace. The muttering subsided, and I finally found the second treat tower.

This tower, nestled in the undergrowth along the edge of the Forest of Fungus, was quite different from its predecessor. It was a bright red, and had a different array of flasks altogether. Still, the ritual was the same, and I approached the obelisk with offerings in hand.

Immediately I knew something was amiss. The screen depicting my offering amount was flashing an odd 999.99. I pressed several of the flask dispenser notches, but was rewarded with nothing. The beast wouldn’t accept my new offering either. It appeared that someone had killed it.

“Diiiiiiiillllllonnnnnns! He being seeing dem’ Stevens handsy workin’s!” My eyes shot straight up. Steven was perched atop the obelisk with a variety of wires hanging from his grinning maw. I instinctively grabbed for Narglos and could only curse myself when I found nothing but air. “We being ‘membering dem badgery-do. ‘Membering dem Petres and Dillllon leaverings the Steven…” I could tell things were going south pretty quick. It was time to sell my escape.

“Steven,” I began while backing away slowly. “Haven’t seen you in many a moon.”

“Been leaverings he with dem’ spiders an’ trolls!” Steven scowled as he spit the wires to the ground. “Theiverings from dem’ Stevens! Thiverings the red badgery-do. We hates the Diiiillon. Hates him to dathers…” Steven hopped from his perch and crept toward me. I was backed against the canyon wall. Steven became even more unintelligible as he inched within striking distance. I grabbed the silver safety badge, and prayed.

“Steven, you’re being unpleasant again,” said a soft spoken voice from afar. Steven recoiled a moment.

“Dillons being needing dem’ eatsies!”

“No Steven. You need to return to Techerton and finish your work.”

“Lizzzz…” hissed Steven as he backed off. “Dillonsss be the luckerings.” Steven turned and ran off into the darkness. I stood alone a moment catching my breath.

“Who’s out there?” I called at length. I could tell Steven was long gone, but the distinctly heavy feel of another presence still lingered. A bright blue light illuminated the edge of the forest. A light haze was left in its wake for a moment, and then I saw a small figure clad in orange robes.

“No one of importance,” came the soft voice as the figure approached.

“Still, I have to know who saved me.”

“I doubt you completely mean that. I am Elizabeth Underhill.” Elizabeth threw her hood back and glanced at me slyly. I drew a breath of relief.

“Thank goodness I can find a Green or two even out on the fringe. Thank you kindly for helping me Elizabeth. I am truly indebted to you.” Elizabeth paused about 10 feet from me and smiled.

“You’re welcome, Feanor.” I started at the comment having not remembered telling the girl my name. “Perhaps I just found it curious a Green was out so far on his own.” I stepped back and looked down at the girl’s badge.

“A Red!” I exclaimed tightening up again.

“Indeed.”

“But, why?”

“Just do me a favor and remember Feanor. Perhaps it is time your prejudices be relaxed.” With that, Elizabeth vaporized in another cloud of blue. As the light died off, I realized I was alone.

“Elizabeth… now I may have seen everything,” I muttered. It was completely dark now, and I was no closer to finding the green nectar. I pulled my map out and studied it. To the northeast there was another obelisk. I had no choice but to keep moving. I bounded north and into the forest of Fungus.

I was exhausted at this point Monkey Keys. I had planned on quaffing the rejuvenating flask nearly 12 hours sooner. That night of wandering through the forest is only a haze in my mind.

When dawn broke, I found myself at the foot of the third mighty obelisk. It was a mirror image of the first. Blue and proud it stood. I shakily stood before it with my quarter in hand.

A dead thud later, I was staring at my quarter lying along on the ground. This obelisk, like the first, had rejected my offering. A tear rolled down my check and joined the quarter.

“Petre wouldn’t have given up,” I said looking at the silver badge. “Never…” Light crept across the field as I looked to the south. It would be a long journey to my last bastion of hope.

As I would find out later, I wouldn’t make it there first.

This, like all my tales from work, is a true story Monkey Keys. If you’ve been a lazy Key and neglected the “one badge to rule them all” trilogy, now would be a good time to read it and gain some perspective.

Not long ago, I was enjoying a relative peace that fell over Techerton. Petre and I had found the legendary silver badge and used its power for good (mostly). The mystic badge was enough to keep the Reds at bay. It was a time of joy for us Greens. The day soon came, however, that Petre had foreseen many moons ago.

“Feanor,” he said to me one day whilst I pondered an inappropriate access spreadsheet. “It is time.” I looked up at him, his hand clasping the legendary silver badge for which we had both sacrificed so much.

“It’s almost 10:45, Petre,” I said with a confused glance. “Little late for amptastic treat…”

“I mean it is time for me to leave this company.” I was taken aback. Petre had found a better job, and was leaving Techerton for good. “I want you to have this, Feanor,” he said handing me the silver safety badge. “It’s up to you to defend Techerton now. I know you have it in you.”

“Defend Techerton alone?” I mumbled looking sheepishly at Narglos. A thin coating of dust had settled over its underutilized hilt. “I can’t do this by myself.”

“You can with that badge, Feanor.” Petre gazed longingly up into the fluorescents overhead. “I would have followed you my friend; my captain; my king!”

“Petre…”

“…but this offer is WAYYYYYYY too righteous. I mean, seriously. I get my own office, and a week of work at home time a month. Oh, and the PAY, Feanor, the PAY is simply immense!” And so, Petre Thunderbrew left Techerton for the last time.

That was over one month ago.

It was a normal morning the day it started. I was knee deep in a meeting with some Reds when all of a sudden I felt powerfully parched. Such alliteration never goes unnoticed in my mind. It was then I decided to venture to the Portal of Heights Pass vending machine to acquire some carbonated nectar. It was to be a short journey; only a day’s walk from Techerton. As such, I decided to leave Narglos at my desk. I gathered a dollar 25 to purchase the nectar with and my silver safety badge.

The walk through the outskirts of Techerton was peaceful enough. I ran into some Greens along the way and we shared some jollies about the local baron.

“So Baron Tyconderous hasn’t been seen in a fortnight I do hear,” remarked a short scruffy green as he plopped on a log. “I dare say he might sill be sleeping off that tankard of mead I witnessed him guzzling down at the second quarter green festival the other night!” A flurry of snickers erupted from the group.

“Perhaps you didn’t witness the aftermath where he drove his carriage sideways into a bog!” Another Green giggled.

“Now I do decree sir, you are telling yarns and folk stories now,” I sighed checking my pocket watch. “Oh dear, but I must away. I was to be at the Portal of Heights Pass before sundown. Tally-ho!”

The rest said their goodbyes again, and I was off. Ere long, Techerton was a shrinking painting to my back. The lands immediately around it could be treacherous after sundown, but with the safety badge at my side I knew I would be ok. As dusk settled along the canyon walls, I approached the entrance to Portal of heights pass. My destination was finally in sight. The mighty obelisk of mountain nectar stood before me in the waning light.

No one knew for sure what ancient race had constructed the dispenser. All we knew for sure was every week or so it could be found filled to the brim with delicious liquids stuffed in carbonated flasks. The potions contained within were renowned for their rejuvenating properties. It was said that the green nectar in particular was capable of bringing a man back from death’s clutches. It was this prize I was after.

Gathering my dollar 25, I approached the structure. Slowly, I entered the paper into its secret slot; a ritual passed on for generations of Greens. The obelisk grumbled in acceptance of my sacrifice. There was a time this gesture was enough to appease the great structure, but in recent years these beasts had become angry at the world. Now, one additional piece was necessary to complete the dance of the nectar; my quarter. I carefully raised the currency disk to the smaller, hidden slot in the metal before me. With one extra tap I dropped it in, and awaited the pleased confirming clink of the rock.

I heard no such sound.

Instead, my quarter was lying at my feet. The obelisk still demanded another 25 cents. Confused, I returned the quarter to the slot only to have it fall through the metal and back to my feet again. Five, six, and seven times I repeated the process; each time becoming more and more agitated. What part of the ritual was I doing wrong? I examined my quarter. It wasn’t of the evil doppelganger currency forged in the frozen tundra of Cannibalda. I tried my backup quarter only to get the same result. For whatever reason, the gods of the nectar were displeased with my sacrifice, and I wasn’t to be rewarded.

I begrudgingly pulled a hidden lever on the obelisk to retrieve four quarters in my dollar’s stead. Night was falling, and I was without the healing power of the green nectar. I should have returned to Techerton right then and there, but I was a stubborn child. For a moment or two I contemplated the situation. I had heard rumors in the past of three more obelisks scattered around the land of the cooperate center. Perhaps my sacrifice would be enough to appease one of them?

I carefully marked their locations on my map and planned my next move. There was one only a few hours to the west! Surely this would appease my growing thirst. I gathered my belongings and veritably ran off into the night. I didn’t hear the scurrying coming from behind…

I wasn’t running Monkey Keys, I was merely escaping. A stylish vamoose that was completely warranted given the situation. Petre agreed completely.

“You cowered,” he gasped at length as we approached the edge of the Forest of Fungus. “We could have had them in two swings.”

“And what were you planning on swinging at them Petre? Your head?”

“Nah, I was going to tear your arm off and beat you with it until you died. Then, using a crude lathe, I would fashion you into a finely honed blade and make manager-kabobs of the both of them.”

“Actually… that may have worked. What was stopping you?”

“Didn’t get to have my Amp today, so I was tired.”

“Well,” I said peering into the morning sun of the fields beyond the forest, “I suppose it’s for the best. You’ll need me if you’re still determined to find the lost silver badge.” We continued into the fields for nearly an hour before the Remorseless Labyrinth came into full view.

The labyrinth was a terrifying place. Legend said it was built by the Dark Lord Livy himself. When he ran out of real places to discover, he began to round up all the green badges he could find. He stole their homes and all their possessions to throw together into one jumbled mess of twists and turns. Once all their items were gone, he used their very souls to paint the blacked walls. Now, the place was supposedly infested with management trolls, OP goblins and worse.

As we approached the decaying mass, I caught a glimpse of a secretary spider scurrying beneath a cube. Wind blew through the otherwise empty corridors making a horrible shriek. We proceeded with extreme caution through a dilapidated archway. We weren’t even in a minute before we reached the first fork.

“Where do we go now Petre?” I asked listening intently for approaching spiders. The amount of cubes alone told me there were more beasts about than I had first thought.

“Right I think…” Petre said with a sheepish glance to the left. I smacked myself in the head as I realized how doomed we were.

“You don’t know the way?”

“Well… I mean I’ve studied this place before, but nobody has an accurate representation of what to find.”

“Shhhhhhhhhsssssssssssssssss,” came the hiss of a spider overhead. “Ted hasssss meetingssssss.” The creature had crawled from its lair and now clung to the ceiling with papers in each leg. I grabbed the hilt of Narglos and backed down the right hallway with Petre. The Spider’s eyes and mine remained locked as we rounded the bend. It slowly crept back to its cube as we backed out of sight.

“We’d best keep a low profile back here Petre,” I whispered as we quickly continued down the hall. “I have a feeling we could stir the lot of these things up rather quickly if not careful.” We passed fork after fork and seemed to accomplish little more than to get extremely lost. Every bend looked exactly the same as the last. For 12 hours we meandered until we had to stop out of exhaustion.

“This is ridiculous,” Petre said as he pushed a desk into the opening behind us to make a small shelter. “This maze was clearly intended to drain every last bit of will from these beast’s souls. We haven’t seen the light of day since we got here! How do we even know if it is still day?” He cut a piece from the desk hoping to find some wood. It was all plastic.

“Looks like we won’t be having a fire,” he said sheathing his axe and collapsing against the wall. “Guess we won’t be cooking anything…”

“No need,” I smiled as I produced a box of doughnuts from my pack.

“Where did you find those? I’ve only seen red badges with free food.”

“I stole it from a cube farm a few miles back. Figured they wouldn’t miss it.”

“You WHAT!?” Hardly had Petre expressed disdain for my recent hunger motivated theft when the sound of a million tiny feet drifted from down the hall.

“Sssssttttttteeeealllllllllsssss,” came multiple off cue hisses. Around the bend we could barely make out a hundred pairs of eyes as the skittering approached.

“You must have awaken every secretary back here!” Petre gasped as he whirled his axe around.

“They love their pastries… suggesting we run.”

“Yeah, but where?” Without hardly enough thought, I started running down the far left corridor. Petre was right behind me, and behind him were 100 skittering secretaries.

“Sssteaaaaaallllss,” they continued to hiss. One began throwing papers at us, but luckily they lacked the aerodynamics to be much of a threat.

“Feanor, give them the stupid doughnuts!” Petre yelled while smacking at a spider running along the wall to his right.

“No way! There’s white frosted ones!” I panted jumping over another stack of thrown papers. “And those twisty things! Those are so good!”
“We’ll be dead you imbecile!” Petre did a quick 360 with his axe out sending a spider tumbling back. “They won’t taste nearly as good when you’re dead!”

“Well how much worse are we talking?”

“Tongue rotted out of your mouth worse!” I didn’t have time to figure out all the ramifications of keeping the doughnuts, because one of the secretaries had slid along the ceiling and dropped in my face. I screamed out grabbing for Narglos, but only managed to throw the doughnuts into the air. Petre and I tumbled forward rolling on the ground as the spiders began screeching wildly. They grabbed for every doughnut they could as the box was torn apart. I pulled some printer cover sheets that were webbed to my face off, and started running again.

After a while, the shrieking spiders died off in the distance. Petre and I came to a rest in a small clearing. Antiquated offices with boards covering the windows were to our left. At our right sat more secretary hives, and in the middle, an enormous web. Stuck right to its center was the silver badge.

“My silver safety badge!” Screamed Petre as he approached the web.

“Spiders seem gone,” I said glancing around. “Grab that thing before they get back from their break.” Petre raised his axe to cut out the badge when shattering glass came raining from behind us. I spun around in time to get hit in the face by a gigantic metal hand. The wall behind me broke my fall. I looked up to see the horrifying figure of the gold badge approaching Petre. He was cornered between the web and the beast. Its thunderous approach knocked Petre off balance, and he fell into the web.

“Petre, grab that thing! We can’t beat a gold badge without it!” I ran forward and sliced the beast in it’s leg. Narglos slid off its armor without leaving so much as a scratch.

“THAT BLADE IS NOT SAFE!” The gold badge creaked as it hammered me in the chest with another crushing blow. The force sent me through the air and into the office it had just emerged from.

Petre was struggling against the webbing as the gold badge returned its gaze to him. “WEBBING IS NOT SAFE. PLEASE CLEAN THIS MESS,” It slowly approached leaving holes in the tile behind it.

“Hey gold badge! Look at this!” Petre yelled as he tore his arm free and threw his axe toward a coffee pot that had been placed on the edge of a cube. The pot shattered sending broken glass and coffee all over the floor.

“NOT SAFE, NOT SAFE, NOT SAFE!” The gold badge turned to the pot and raised its right arm. A ball of fire engulfed the limb, and proceeded to shoot off into the caffeinated glassy mess. The whole area erupted in flames. “MESS CLEAN,” The beast croaked as it turned again to Petre. “SECOND MESS, NOT SAFE!” It again raised its right arm, this time toward Petre.

“The badge Petre! Grab it!” I yelled jumping on the gold badge’s back.

“HORSEPLAY, NOT SAFE!” The gold badge began mimicking an enraged bull. With my left hand I clung tightly to its helmet. With my right, I swung futilely with Narglos at anything I could see.

“I can’t move Feanor!” Petre cried as I felt my grip leaving me. “Throw Narglos!” Just as my grip failed entirely, I managed an over the shoulder toss of my blade. It found its mark, and the webbing came loose. I saw Petre reach up and grab the silver badge as I flew from the gold badge’s back and tumbled into a copy machine.

“Alright you useless office suck-up…” Petre said bringing the silver badge up before him. “Lets see how you handle someone almost as safe as yourself!”

“SILVER… NOT… SILVER… NOT…” The monster stammered as it brought its right arm up in preparation for another flame strike.

“Safe?” Petre scoffed kicking Narglos into his open hand. In one swing, he sliced the gold badge from around the monster’s neck.”

“I’M… NOT… NOT… SAFE!” the artist formerly known as gold stuttered. It looked at Petre, then raised its arm to its head. Fire engulfed its palm, and a tremendous roar erupted around us. The beast exploded sending plate armor in all directions, then it was silent.

I slowly crawled from the CopyCentre’s innards to see Petre standing above the newly liberated gold safety badge. It shined so brightly, it seemed Petre was standing in the middle of a star.

“Petre…” I said cautiously approaching. “You must destroy the badge. A gold badge is too much for any one person to possess…” Petre stared wide-eyed at the golden circle before him.

“The power…” he whispered bending to pick it up. “With this badge… VPs and Managers shall fear me. I shall be more powerful than Livy himself!”

“Petre! You have to throw it in the paper shredder!” I yelled as he held the gold badge in his hands.

“No,” he said with a blank stare to me. “That wouldn’t be… safe…” I watched in horror as Petre lifted the badge and placed it around his neck.

“Yous thinkin’ dems be the saferin badge without Steven?” Steven came scampering around the corner and stared Petre in the eye. “Dem badgery-do? Those bein’ da Stevens! Bein’ da MINE!” Steven jumped onto Petre’s back and began clawing at the badge. “Golding on me necker-do ‘fo dem Petre’s neck! Golding on mine for dem safery. Safery safery safery!” The two tumbled about the ruined battlefield. Petre swung blindly at Steven calling out in rage. He didn’t see the crater left from the gold monster’s feet. As the two fell forward, Steven grabbed the badge from Petre.

“It bein’ dem MINE!” He cackled with an ear to ear grin. “I am safery! I am da badgery-do! All them powers, them goodsies, all to be them Steven’s!” Petre and I looked on in horror as Steven placed the badge around his neck. I grabbed Narglos and pulled Petre to his feat.

“What are we going to do!?” Petre cried out. Spiders began crawling from the vacant offices when they heard all the commotion. Trolls walked in from down the hall too. Suddenly, new hire zombies and intern peons crawled their way from the vents. The air around us was alive with howls as all the beasts rallied behind Steven. It was then I saw the red badge clipped to Steven’s leg. I unclipped my own green badge and stared at it. As the beasts continued to intensify their wailing, I ran toward Steven. In two clicks, I was wearing his red badge.

“Hey! What’s that green badge doing with a golden safety award?” I scoffed. All the creatures around us stopped and turned to stare at Steven.

“Whats? Steven being dem red badge!” Steven tried to protest as the things around him began creeping closer. Their hissing and moaning began sounding very sour. “Noes! I’m bein’ dem red badge! Red badgery-dooooooooooooo!” I grabbed Petre and the two of us ran down the hall. We could hear the screams of Steven for some time. Then, we heard him no more.

“Feanor…” Petre said at length. “Thanks. You’re right, the silver badge is enough.”

“Don’t mention it,” I said with a smile. Petre clipped the silver badge over the top of his green, and we basked in its glow.

“I don’t suppose we’ll ever find our way out of here…” Petre said after a few moments. We were so far into the labyrinth, neither of us had the slightest idea of how to get back to Techerton.

“If we have to die out here, we’ll do it with honor, I said sliding Narglos into its sheath.

“Are you boys lost?” The voice of a secretary startled me. I turned to see her smiling at us from behind her desk.

“You can talk?” I asked puzzled.

“Well of course I can Steven,” she giggled. It was then I followed her gaze to the red badge still clipped to my leg.

“Ahh, well yes we are lost. We have no clue how to get back to Techerton. We’ve been wandering in the wilderness for days…”

“Well you two are silly aren’t you? It’s not like you’re those pestilent green badges! Why didn’t you take the ice cream trolley?” I turned to Petre in disbelief.

“The… trolley, well we just forgot I guess,” Petre said.

“Well it’s just about to leave, just turn right and get on. They’re serving rocky road today, and you have your choice of fudge and whipped cream. Well, or both for that matter. Oh, and before you go, take these extra red badge dinner jackets and your daily thousand dollar lunch money envelope.” The secretary gave us the gifts and giggled again. “Take care you two sillies.” Three minutes later, we were back in Techerton with a cooler of ice-cream. We got both the fudge and whipped cream.

“Hey, you were gone a while,” Tom said as I got back to my desk. “I thought you just needed to get a silver badge. Don’t they mail those to you?”

“Not always,” I said as I turned on my Fisher-Price laptopo. “Sometimes, you have to push a bit.” I looked at the clock. It was only 1:47 pm.

I know not how long I slept Monkey Keys. All I remember is the eerie stillness I awoke to. The chaos of my last memories was replaced by a soft breeze flowing through the Forest of Fungus. It was very dark, and Petre was nowhere in sight. I dared not move at first for thought the gold badge may still be near. Nearly 20 minutes passed without a sound. At length I gathered my nerve and struggled to my feet using a nearby stump as leverage. I didn’t appear to have any serious injuries, but my head hurt something fierce, and Narglos was noticeably absent.

“Petre,” I harshly whispered hardly louder than the wind. The only response was a nearby toad. Lacking any real bearing, I moved in the direction of the toad. At the very least, hey, free toad. Three hours later, and still toadless, my situation hadn’t improved much. It was then I heard the faint shuffling behind me.

I paused a moment thinking the sound only to be the echo of my own meanderings, or perhaps the wind sailing past a branch. Not hearing anything, I continued only to be rejoined by the mysterious audio.

“Petre?” I asked the night. No response. As fear began to rise, so did my hand toward a nearby branch. The rustling proceeded to increase in audible clarity and I brought the branch high over my head in a serious “I shall bean the beans from your head” stance. Then it was upon me.

“It bes the Diiiiiiiiillllllon!” Steven chortled with a sideways scamper from a thicket in front of me. “He’s don gon being dem guy looking for a badgery-do?” Steven stood a bit over five feet tall, and was decked hair to toe in a strange garb from yesteryear. With big bulbous eyes and a huge grin he approached me.

“Hey Steven…” I said with a miserable sigh. He was the last thing I wanted to see at that moment. He’d only joined a month back. It seemed like much longer. “Yeah, I’m looking for a badge for Petre. I’ve gotten myself slightly lost.”

“Dems Petre bein’ on the badgery-do hunt with Dillonzz? Why not bes getting’ dem Steven? Steven be the finderings on you team badgery-do!”

“Look… Steven I appreciate the offer, but really I can handle the hunt with Petre.”

“Oh, dems Dillonz not be the know how of wickery woodsie, and he done losering the way ‘fo he bes finding it! Steven knows them ways! Dillonz been following them Steven. Been follow!” Steven scampered past me and came to a halt a few paces down. “Followz dem!” He said turning to me and motioning. I suppose I should have run the other direction screaming. What can I say, I was lost. I followed them Steven.

I walked slowly behind Steven as he bounded from rock to rock. The whole time he blithered on about any and everything we had seen, were seeing, might see, or would indeed never come in contact with. A mere 78 minutes into the ordeal, I was going through heavy Narglos withdrawal.

Dawn seemed to be fighting with the tree line to shed some light on the situation. A slight grayish tint began to replace the darkness around us as I began to finally familiarize myself with the woods. Everything was sickly. The trees all hung over sideways as if they couldn’t support their own weight. It looked as though they had been locked in their own canopy so long they had forgotten what real light looked like.

Suddenly, Steven stopped. He stood in the center of a thicket, nose to the wind.

“What is it Steven?” I asked peering about the wood.

“Wes no bein’ dem lone…” He hissed at me. “Quiets!” He motioned toward some fallen logs, and I took cover behind them. Steven loafed into a tree, and we waited. Voices were approaching from the direction we had just come from. Then I saw Petre. He was being carried on a log by two management trolls.

“Why’d it have to be management…” I hissed under my breath. Then I saw the small blade nearly falling out of the pocket of the lead troll. “Narglos…”

“I do decree, we should eat this little individual and use his bones as a fine set of ivory toothpicks!” Said one troll as they came to a halt right before my log.

“Not at all good sir,” the second spoke. “The calories in a man alone would put me far over my diet’s daily allocated amount. I would be forced to do extra cardio, and that just does not sit well with me.”

“Well you already ate that cheesecake at Denny’s this afternoon, pig!”

“It was only because that nice waitress gave me the half-off coupon, and you know it Ted. You would have done the same thing if you hadn’t needed to frequent the washroom every time we enter a restaurant.”

“Well how else would I know if they had those free little mints I like so much! You know those little chocolate sticks? You can’t get those anywhere besides a restaurant.”

“Oh yes, those are scrumptious…”

“Quite…” Now was my chance. In two strides I was at Ted’s pocket and had Narglos in hand. One more second I would have had his head off, when suddenly I was moving through the air.

“Now what have we here Ted?” The troll said as he lifted me high. “I do believe we have another member here to feast on. How decadent!”

“Oooo, no Phillip, that would double the already outlandish amount of calories we’re preparing to consume. I’d lose our 50 pound challenge for sure if I were to partake in two man feasts.”

“Besides, I taste like turpentine!” I tried to chime in.

“You be quiet green badge!” Ted snarled at me. “I didn’t notice he was a green badge Phillip! I shall have to spoil my diet after all. Now the question is, do we eat them with or without marinara sauce?”

“You HAVE to use marinara sauce Ted! We’d be uncivilized to eat a man without marinara sauce. Everyone knows that!”

“True, but we have no chardonnay to wash it down with…” I realized the situation was deteriorating rapidly, but I was being held to far from either of the trolls to do any damage with Narglos. Then, Steven solved all our problems for us.

“You nots been eating if’in been not invites dem Steven!” He leapt from his tree and sauntered over toward the trolls.

“What in heaven’s name is that!” Ted said with a girly squeal. Phillip whirled around so quickly, he dropped me. A jump later, and I had Petre freed from the log. I motioned to the bushes behind us, and we took off running. As we headed toward daybreak, we could hear the chaos ensuing behind us.

“But Ted, I don’t want to go to the stranger’s house for dinner! Our meals necessitate a certain level of respectability!”

“But he said he’s making lobster bisque! Wait… where did our dinner away to?”

Life is filled with conflict, Monkey Keys. Police and criminals have conflict almost every day. People in relationships argue over what restaurant they wish to frequent. Even the birds in the trees and the cats on the ground go through the rigmarole of political propaganda.

So why should work be any different? Oh, trick query, because it is not. You see, at my current job, there are two types of people: green badges and red badges. The two species are named for the color of their identification badges. Red badges are the actual employees while green badges are the contractors. However, a more accurate description would be to say red badges are the lords of the earth while green badges are the fungus growing under the bacteria inhabiting the bathroom floor’s infected toenail.

I am a green badge.

There are many slaps in the face for being a green badge. I don’t get invited to any company parties for instance. I can’t use the company socializing website. I’m not privy to any financial information. IT support won’t help us. We can’t dress casual on Fridays. There are other things like huge salary differences and the impossibility to be promoted beyond a certain level if you’re into that kind of trivial malarkey. The point is we’re sub-citizens.

Never was this more apparent then when I embarked on a great quest with a fellow Green Badge Key. At my job, you can be rewarded colored safety badges for great acts of heroism in times of conflict (apparently the powers that be have a fetish for colored identification cards). They come in bronze, silver and gold depending on the value of your deed. Bronze is awarded for minor acts while gold requires saving a nation from immanent death. One red badge coworker of mine was awarded a silver safety badge for selflessly diving in front of a loaded coffee maker to prevent the caffeinated magma from maiming some helpless OPs. He was nominated, recognized, and hand delivered the badge within 12 hours.

My green badge coworker was nominated and recognized for the same prestigious honor when he bravely thwarting a brandished paper cutting blade with his own two mitts. Two weeks passed and he received nothing. In that time our red badge colleague was delivered an extra silver badge just for good measure. By the end of the third week, we wrote in to inquire where the badge was. The committee in charge of issuing these things had no idea. Days later, a random OP contacted my friend, and said we could come get the badge ourselves if we could locate her within the labyrinth.

The way would be treacherous. Leaving the relative safety of Techerton, we would be forced to cross the Chasm of Reproach, and… of forget it, you all want a map anyway don’t you Visual Learning Keys.

We planned for a fortnight before finally setting out on the great journey. It would be just us two; Feanor of Westshore and Petre Thunderbrew. We were young then; we were bold. We had no idea what we were getting into.

Night passed on the first day with little incident. Some goblins tried to attack at daybreak, but were quickly dispatched via my katana, Narglos. We decided to head west toward the Great Council Chamber. The evil one, Livy of Under Born, was known to watch Portal of Heights Pass, and few minions would be convening in the council chamber early in the morn. Petre readied his battleaxe just in case as we crept into the room.

There wasn’t a single drop of light to greet us.

“Feanor,” Petre said to me. “Something is amiss. The foul stench of red hangs in the air. We should have kept to the pass!” I gripped the hilt of Narglos tighter as my eyes franticly searched the area. Everything was deathly still. In a far corner I finally noticed what appeared to be a humanoid outline. I strained my eyes against the darkness waiting for it to move even the slightest inch. I never even saw the figure creeping up on my left.

The lights in the chamber blinded me entirely when they kicked on. That didn’t stop me from hearing the terrifying wail of the creatures surrounding us.

“New Hire Zombies!” I yelled as the beast to my left backhanded me to the ground. My eyes refocused in time to see Petre send a group flying.

“We have to go now!” he gasped as he pulled me to my feet. At least 50 of the monsters were lumbering about us from all sides. There was no way out. Back to back we stood as they came forward. Their snarls and moans reached a deafening crescendo as they came within feet of us. I readied Narglos and awaited the inevitable.

A loud, deep thud rang our like a nearby lightning strike. The new hires seemed to be unnerved and began frantically looking in all directions. It sounded again, and they began to flee.

“What is it Feanor?” Petre inquired as the zombies crawled back into their cubbies. “What has them so shaken?” I closed my eyes as the thud sounded a third time, even louder than before.

“A gold badge…” I said turning to Petre. “We must flee. Our weapons are no longer good here.” Not another word was spared, as we turned and ran for the far entrance. Behind us the gold badge emerged through the doorway. He stood 11 feet tall with a searing white light emanating from the gold safety badge embedded in his chest.

We were out the door seconds later with the giant close behind. It roared, shaking ceiling tiles down about us as we tore headlong into the forest. It was too fast. I couldn’t keep ahead of its stride. The searing light was suddenly all around me. The trees cast evil shadows every which way, and when the beast roared again it seemed to come from all directions at once. I stumbled and turned in time to see the golden heathen rip a tree from the ground as if he were picking up a toothpick. I brought Narglos up in time to take most of the impact, and then I remember nothing…

Do you know what the opposite of a Monkey Key is Monkey Keys? No Sarcastic Key, it isn’t a lock. The opposite is a nemesis. I love the concept of havening a nemesis. More accurately, I love the idea of having multiple nemeses.

“Come on Dylan, nobody wants a nemesis!” Look Logical Key, I don’t come to your job, steal your broom, replace it with a Swiffer Wet Jet, clean the spaghetti stains off the tile, eat your lunch from the office fridge, put a recommendation of “tubular hat Tuesday” in the comment card receptacle, attend your performance review, get promoted to mid level management, deny the suggestion of “tubular hat Tuesday” because that guy is a jerk anyway, break the bathroom sink, surf out of the office on the janitor closet door, wash up at your feet and give you a sloppy wet kiss yelling; “Viva la France!” So how about you don’t do it to me?

I love the idea of having multiple nemeses. See, imagine for a second you have a boring mundane job at some desk. I know, a hard concept, that’s why we’re imagining. You’ve just plopped a dollar into the office Coke machine, and realize with utter dismay you were sans the 25 cents required to consume your delicious carbonated beverage. You hop back to your desk and start digging through the drawer with random papers looking for the quarter you dropped in there after lunch 2 weeks ago. Suddenly, one of your nemeses saunters up and pulls the plug from behind your Fisher Price Laptopo. He turns to you and cackles maniacally saying, “You FOOL! Did you really think you could beat me?”

“Syphon!” you fire back in a dazed rage. “I thought I left you to die in Guatemala!”

“Oh Guatemala was just the beginning, friend. But this… this is your end!” Suddenly Syphon pulls a katana from beneath his JCPenny fall clearance sale sports jacket. The dim light from the fluorescents overhead accentuates his psychotic grin. He readies his blade, and brings it down like a thundering redwood.

Sparks shower the plastic high efficiency workplace as you’re barely able to block Syphon’s otherwise lethal blow with your own K-Mart brand titanium laced walking stick. His smile fades into a savage grimace. “You’re still trying to be difficult, even at the finale of your pathetic life!” He shouts bringing his blade back up beside his head.

“No Syphon,” you retort. “It is you who is being difficult.” You slowly stand before the seething adversary. “Still fighting the wars of days long past in your own tortured mind. It looks like it’s up to me to lay your demons to rest.” Dust from the corporation’s aging ventilation system floats down between you; a soft prelude to the inevitable violence that is about to ensue.

“You want to end my suffering?” Syphon stutters in a half laugh, half cry. “Then why don’t you die!” The reverberation of the metals meeting each other is almost deafening. Syphon has clearly been training. With two powerful slashes, he sends you sprawling into the white board depicting first fiscal quarter productivity estimates. Another quick follow-up has you rolling into a crate of surge protectors left over from the inter-office relocation act of ’72. You reach for your walking stick, but Syphon is too fast and sends it skidding beneath the nearby Coke machine.

“Pathetic,” He scoffs as the smile reclaims its territory on his face. “Any last words before I send you to the void?”

“Only one,” you say as a grin slyly crosses your lips. “Carbonation!” With a quick roll to the side you grab your lost quarter that had fallen behind the paper recycling bin and fling it into the gaping coin slot of the Coke machine. Your other free hand throws the power supply to your Laptopo into the diet Coke button.

“Nooooooo!” Syphon tries to scream as a diet coke is shot out from the base of the machine, but it is too late. The aluminum slams into his face with the force of a thousand suns, and he falls. As you slowly rise off the ground, the peasants are able to come out of their hiding places.

“It’s ok,” says you. “Everything is going to be ok…”

“Yeah,” says an auditor, “Looks like you gave him quite a pop!” Everyone shares jollies a moment, and then it’s back to work as usual.

Now, I dare you to tell me the above wouldn’t make your life. That’s what I thought Silent Key… and so, I love the idea of having multiple nemeses. Thank you Monkey Keys, and goodnight!

…and at the last second, Syphon’s eyes shoot open.