obfuscational hazard

Life’s been a little slower than normal these past few days Monkey Keys. It is finally gorgeous in Michigan (an uncommon occurrence known to happen only once every epoch.) I believe it’s 70ish degrees on the Daniel Fahrenheit scale, sunny, and roughly 10:30 in the AM (eastern standard time of course). I have recently placed a proper hammock in my homestead’s backyard, and have been having a hard time accomplishing anything since. By the way, I would like to take this opportunity to give hammocks.com a recommendation. Their slogan, accomplish nothing, apparently is spot on. Buy one.

So, in the interest of updating the blog, I pulled my laptop out here and got the Wi-Fi rolling. Now I suppose I can accomplish something, but it won’t be much.

Today is the nation’s Independence Day. The day spawned a really sweet movie with a lot of alien killing and explosions in 1996. Normally, however, it’s a day to celebrate America, being free, or explosive devices. Most people, including myself, just use it as an excuse to laze in a hammock for 15 hours. I suppose I’ve never been very patriotic. It’s not that I don’t think we have it very nice here in America, it’s just that there are tons of better contries with cooler accents nowadays. People love shouting “freedom” braveheart style like this is the only scrap of earth that has it, all while we’re slowly losing it to paranoia and ignorance.

I don’t really want to get into politics from the glade though Monkey Keys. I’ll just leave it with a word of advice to the jaded. If you’re not interested in praising America, praise your own personal freedom today. Remember, you can go anywhere and do anything (at least I’m assuming you can. If you’re in China, sucks to be you.) I’ve made my own flag to salute today for one nation, under Dylan, with a hammock and nap for me.

Take it easy Keys.

Hello Cleveland Monkey Keys! I recently came into possession of a wondrous little game known as Rockband. For those Keys who are unfamiliar with the game’s concept, let me elaborate with cryptic similes. Rockband is like looking around after a night of drunken roller coaster riding in Las Vegas, and having to punch out all the little floating colors before they make it into your head. Oh, and there’s some music in there too.

Making music has always stuck me as somewhat of a conundrum in the human race; everyone wants to do it, but most people settle for taking a nap and watching American Idol. I’m pretty sure the Romans are to blame for this fact. While they were eating grapes and regurgitating in the vomitoriums to look fancy, talented savages were playing war drums and sacking their cities. Once music became associated with the wild ones of the north, it mostly lost its appeal with the civilized masses. That’s about when grunge and heavy metal hit the scene. By that point the damage was done, and only someone who was interested in committing social suicide would pick up a guitar.

So what’s an IT professional in need of a musical outlet to do? “You could join an orchestra?” Alright who said that? You’re fired Artistic Key. The correct answer is to click a button at pretty colored boxes on a screen. For the full effect, one should make obscene grunting noises and sack Rome.

On a personal note, I would like to report I beat “Green Grass and High Tides Forever” last night on expert solo guitar. The song is aptly named as it takes forever to beat, and by the end you’ll most likely be so sick you’ll have a greenish hue about you and a high temperature. I’m pretty sure it was written by Satan in the Baroque era as a means to quell peasant uprisings. This officially marks the moment where if I had been practicing real guitar instead of guitar hero I’d be as good as Hendrix. But who wants the burden of being amazing at guitar anyway. I mean, all those screaming adoring fans who constantly throw themselves at you and demand you play Free Bird… no thank you. That would clearly cut into my napping and American Idol time.

Hey Monkey Keys. I have no idea what to write about, but I wanted to let you know I was indeed alive. Oh, I learned to play She is Love by Oasis on guitar. It’s like 4 chords, but I’ll bet you can’t do it. Oh wait… yeah I guess most of you could. Darn. Um… what else? Billy Mays is still ridiculous. Oh, and I drew you a picture while trying to come up with something witty to write. Enjoy!

First, something to make you think Monkey Keys:

Yeah, pretty frightful. If I were about to be accosted by such a monstrous being I know for sure I wouldn’t be cracking wise at him. Well alright, I can’t say that for sure I wouldn’t, but I may think twice before doing it. On second thought, I’d probably just crack wise anyway. Then, only once the horrible minigun touting skeletal beast was smashing in my face would I think; “Gosh, I could probably have done without the anorexic comment.”

I’m honestly not sure where I was going with this post Keys. I just saw that skeleton guy on my desk and he made me laugh. I mean, seriously. That thing is ridiculous. I was going to try and make a meaningful post about not taking yourselves too seriously, but I decided it’d be way more fun to take random pictures of this thing and post them.

Now, all you psych majors can analyze that for a few years. If any of you creative Keys want to write a tale to go along with those invigorating photos, feel free to e-mail it to me (I can only assume my e-mail address is on this blasted site somewhere). If I get enough, maybe I’ll do a post with them.

That’s all until my brain starts working again. I’m 88% un-sick as of today! May the weekstart treat you well tomorrow Monkey Keys!

Hi Monkey Keys…

“…Hey”

Look, about last post. I’m really sorry. I just have a lot of things on my mind right now you know?

“Yeah. I guess I shouldn’t have just run off like that. And maybe performing the ancient rite of voodoo sickness on you wasn’t so nice either…”

Voodoo ehh? Is that why I’ve been obnoxiously sick all week?

“You mean it actually worked!? I just brought it on an infomercial starring Billy Mays the other night. I figured the whole thing was bubcus.”

Well my fever seems to think otherwise. So what do you say? Truce?

“Most certainly. I hope you feel better soon… sorry about that.”

No worries Apologetic Key, this whole sick thing gave me inspiration for my next post. I got to thinking about all the side effects of being sick. Generally we get the same few things, runny nose, sore throat, fever, and blindness. Sometimes partial liver failure.

You know what though? All those symptoms that make us feel bad are actually the body’s way of fighting germs. Don’t take my word for it, look at the children’s explination of such things like fever, or snot. The body makes those symptoms to kill off the germs. It’s basically using the Longshanks method to winning a war.

“But Hypothalamus, won’t our archers hit our own cells?”

“Yes, but we’ll hit the germs too… we have reserves.”

Man, Longshanks is a jerk of a hypothalamus. I can only hope I have a young Scottish upstart of a white blood cell named William Wallace who’s aching for some revenge. Oh yeah, so check it out. Now that your body is all on this holy crusade to genocide the germs out of you by any means, that self produced snot causes your sore throat. Ohh, good going brain. What’s next, are you going to cure my bruise by stabbing me in the face? …I don’t like that look in your nucleus Longshanks… Oh wait, aches in my cold are your fault too?

At this point, I have to ask myself something. If every single bad effect of being sick is a means to get un-sick… why does my body CARE about being sick? I mean, why not let my body become a melting pot for germs and cells alike? Basically, I’d become the America of human bodies. William Wallace would be all playing soccer with Queen Elizabeth the bacteria. The Dread Virus Roberts may find himself sailing the 7 capillaries alongside Dances With Bones. I would have a utopia society brimming at my pores, and there wouldn’t be the faintest hint of a runny nose or a scratchy throat. Ammo THAT Longshanks!

But then I thought about the whole melting pot thing again. I’m really pretty bad at sharing. The second some cockney English boil demanded a front row seat to my baby face, some John Rambo platelet would eat him. Then there’d be a whole war going on, and what would they do as the years pass? They’d resort to chemical warfare. Then we’re just back at Longshanks with his hand on the thermostat ready to make my life miserable until I die of third degree burning to my soul.

So instead of having a crappy on-again off-again relationship with my fellow germs where we’re bound to break up violently in another six moths over all the differences hidden beneath the membrane, I say nuke ‘em Longshanks! Sometimes, being a little sick now will save you from a disease in the future.

I really am glad to have you back Keys. Those were a lonely few days.

Monkey Keys, I’m in a pretty fantastic mood. “Why are you in a fantastic mood Dylan?” Well, I’d tell you, but then it wouldn’t be as hilarious to me that you don’t know. Basically, I’m havening a good weekend. This is how good a weekend I am having:

Yeah, I know. With a hat that epic, things must be good. But enough about me Monkey Keys. How have you been? “What, me?” Yeah, I’m not talking to myself here. I mean we’ve been with each other a little while now. We’re both a little older and a little wiser. I just wanted to check in an see how you were doing.

“Well… I mean, I guess I don’t know how to respond to that. Most of the time you’re so caught up in talking about yourself. I just kind of assumed you didn’t care.”

What!? Of course I care Sensitive Key… Remember the time I was all telling you to follow your dreams and move south?

“Yeah yeah… but I mean you were still talking in reference to yourself. Seriously, when is the last time we even went out?”

Well… I mean just last week I took you with me to the mall… oh wait that was someone else.

“Yeah, I’m still waiting.”

Alright, gosh, no need to be a huge jerk about this.

“SEE! There you go again! You talk about yourself non stop, and then all of a sudden start calling ME a jerk! You’re incorrigible. And where were you last night anyway!”

What, are you my keeper now? I was out ok?

“Out? Yeah, that’s completely sketch. After all we’ve been through you’re keeping secrets now.”

Look, I just don’t think you need to know EVERYTHING that happens. What if I were on some important CIA thing and telling you would sign your death certificate?

“Were you on a secret CIA thing?”

No…

“…I’m sorry Dylan… I just… I just need time to think. I’ll talk to you later. Next post maybe… just, bye.”

Now, wait Reclusive Key, I’m sorry. Please, don’t just run off. WAIT! …man I can’t believe you all just left like that… Maybe I could have handled that a little better, but seriously, just leaving right in the middle of a post! Now I really am talking to myself.

Well Dylan, it has still been a good weekend. Yeah self, it sure has…

Ok, it’s snowing Monkey Keys. No, that isn’t descriptive enough. It’s raining a glacier outside Monkey Keys. It’s been glacier raining the past 18 hours. Here’s a picture I took of outside:

Yeah, just needed to make a note of that. Have a good night Keys.