Happy random Thursday, Monkey Keys. So, whilst randomly perusing the interwebs today, I came across an article on overly-hyped time-sink popularity contest website digg.com. It was some idiot’s standard list of what he deemed the stupidest lyrics of all time. Topping the list was one of my favorite songs ever made, Champagne Supernova by incoherently stoned English band Oasis. The author cited “slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannon ball” as being contradictive, and thus, one of the twelve worst lyrics EVER sung. Seriously armchair Ebert? Apparently you haven’t listened to the popular music made in the past ever.
This got me thinking; I’M some idiot too. Why can’t I have a list of unforgivable songs? So I began to mentally list songs I hate. Unfortunately, that list is in the thousands. So, in the interest of me not developing carpal tunnel and being forced to sue my keyboard manufacturer for lost wages and mental anguish, I decided I had to narrow it down. Monkey Keys, I present to you:
Dylan’s 6 songs that WILL cause people to enter a murderous rage and bludgeon bystanders with extreme prejudice.
Complicated – Avril Lavigne
I challenge the Monkey Keys of the world to make sense of this awesomely bad song. Ok, so I get Avril is dating a guy who acts like every other guy. He’s DIFFERENT around his male friends (oh NO! ) She’s a little confused though since she’s under the impression the guy acts against his nature when he’s with the guys. HAHAHAHAHA, no Avril. He acts messed up and weird around YOU. That dude you hate? Yeah, that’s who he really is.
That aside though, Avril quickly drops the whole premise of her song for a more rhetorical bit.
Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you’re actin’ like you’re somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life’s like this you,
You fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get, and you turn it into
Honestly, you promised me
I’m never gonna find you fake it
No no no
Huh? I fall and I break in life? Possibly. I mean life is a constant struggle for social, economical and romantic peace of mind. What the HECK does it have to do with this dude who acts proper around his firends though. And what do you mean I promised you you’re never gonna find me fake it? Is English even your first language?
Gives You Hell – All American Rejects
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool, your just as well, hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool, your just as well, hope it gives you hell
With that sad sad look that you wear so well
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you well
hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and sing along oh you’ll never tell
Then you’re the fool, I’m just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
You can sing along I hope that it will treat you well
Thank me for saving you three minutes and thirty three seconds of the above separated by rubbish. (Yes, that is the actual amount of times they utter their supper witty lyric.)
I got the feeling – Black eyed Peas
Man, I’m feeling down. That tonight’s gonna be a good night! Really, Black Eyed Peas? It is? That tonight’s gonna be a good night! Well, if you say so. I think I feel better already! That tonight’s gonna be a good night! Yeah… you said that already. I’m happy it’s going to be because… That tonight’s gonna be a good night! Ok, seriously. I was all ready to have a good night, but now… That tonight’s gonna be a good night! Shut up already! That tonight’s gonna be a good night! DUDE, I am SO going to give you an actual black eye! That tonight’s gonna be a good night! Scratch that, I’m going to tear your arm off and beat you with it until you die if you say that one more… That tonight’s gonna be a good night!
If You Seek Amy – Brittany Spears
First of all, what is Brittany even doing making music anymore? Second of all, what was she on that spawned this rot of the damned? Her intro sounds like a bubble headed ode to Mr. Roboto. La la la lala la la la! And if you make it through that you’re treated with her attempt to be street!
Oh baby baby have you seen Amy tonight?
Is she in the bathroom? Is she smokin up outside? Ouuh
Oh baby baby does she take a piece of lime
For the drink that I’ma buy her
Do you know just what she likes so?
Oh oh tell me have you seen her
Cuz I’m so-oh oh
I can’t get her out of my brain
I just wanna go to the party she gon’ go
Can somebody take me home?
Ha ha he he ha ha ho
If anyone finds Amy, tell her to run for her life. Brittany is on the prowl.
London Bridge – Fergie
Producer: You know what we need, crappy underpaid music writers?
Crappy underpaid music writers (in unison): What?
Producer: We need a remake of a nursery rhyme. But not just ANY remake. We need a remake that only brain damaged teen girls will enjoy.
Crappy underpaid music writers(the fat one eying a doughnut): How about Ring around the Rosie?
Producer: You’re fired. Next idea?
Crappy underpaid music writers (the one who’s always looked down on, but tonight’s gonna be a good night for him): What about London Bridge is Falling Down?
Producer: Hmmm, that’s pretty good. It’s sufficiently vague, kinda edgy. All we need to do is come up with a way to make it sufficiently retarded.
Crappy underpaid music writers (the one who is going to ride the coattails): First, let’s get the worst artist EVER to sing it. Fergie. Then we start the song with all these “AWWWWW SNAP”s. Fergie will be so blown away by the AWESOMENESS of the phrase “Aww Snap” she’ll be BOUND to proclaim her awesomeness in a truly stupid way. Probably something like,
When I come to the club, step aside
(Oh snap!)
Part the seas, don’t be havin? me in the line
(Oh snap!)
V.I.P. ?cause you know I gotta shine
(Oh snap!)
I’m Fergie Ferg and me love you long time
Producer: YOU’RE PROMOTED TO LORD OF THE AGENCY!
Crappy underpaid music writers (the one who’s always looked down on, but tonight’s NOT gonna be a good night for him): YOU LIED TO ME, BLACK EYED PEAS!
My Humps – Black Eyed Peas AGAIN
Honestly, I wanted to come up with something witty for this, but it is SUCH a bad song, I was rendered unconscious by just READING the lyrics. Good luck with just the first few bars…
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)
I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ices.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and NaDonna
Karan, they be sharin’
All their money got me wearin’ fly…
AHHHHHHHHHHHH, I can’t do it anymore! Driving a railroad spike into my head sounds better than this! HOW COULD SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN! And someone likes it? LIKES IT! If I find you… you Neanderthals of musical taste, I’m going to grab the NEAREST tire iron I can find and…
The staff of Obfucational Hazard apologizes for the abrupt end of this rant. Our lawyers advised us that Dylan’s murderous shouting could result in lawsuits from the elderly and confused. To preserve your innocence, we will continue the blog at the end of this childish display. We hope that this sad dislike for the musical genius that is The Black Eyed Peas won’t stop you from reading Obfuscational Hazard in the future. Thank you for your cooperation. -OH
…and you’ll need the jaws of life just to SIT DOWN AGAIN!
Whew, I feel better after that. By the way, if you like anything by Black Eyed Peas, we are now nemeses.
Absolutely.
I commend you on writing out your own list of songs you dislike; and why not?
We have all had those moments where we would have loved to turn down or turn off the noise that suddenly assaults our ears, in an attempt to "make music".
You totally forgot Miley Cirus… "party in the USA"… I hate that song..
I’m currently in the process of picking out a wonderful TF2 name for you for tomorrow night that you will hate, so I came back to this entry to reference songs that you particularly disdain… and I’d just like to bring to your attention the fact that YOU, my dear Feanor, HAVE BLACK-EYED PEAS ON YOUR IPOD. I saw it, you’re so caught!
Not even I’m *that* low…