I try to be a very courteous gentleman, Monkey Keys. I was brought up to say please and thank you, hold the door and all that jazz. I’m starting to wonder if the whole shebang isn’t counterproductive though. It’s almost as if the chivalrous niceties of the 50’s have become awkward rituals preserved by a dying breed and rejected by the new self-reliant and ever suspicious denizens of the 00’s.
Perhaps the issue lies in how old our values of courtesy really are. Modern ideas mostly stem from the middle ages when chivalry became a buzzword used in PowerPoints by entrepreneuring young capitalists. Basically, there were these dudes over in Arabia around 500 AD who were loyal and courteous knights. They did it so everyone would know how amazingly awesome they were. I mean, come on. It’s simple to be a jackass with mad skills. Mad skills generally beg to be flaunted in a most jackasstic way. But to have bo staff skills and nunchuck skills while at the same time holding the door open for ladies? That’s basically a super power.
So, these really nice Arab guys were walking around picking up all the European chicks. The European knights were all, “whaaaaat?” so they followed suit. Ironically, most of these “chivalrous” Europeans went on to slaughter the Arabs (with as much courtesy as possible) during the Crusades.
Later on, a bunch people who became rich when their parents stole things during the Crusades decided to enroll in aristocratic courts. They were taught all manner of manners such as how to properly address rampant bread famine amongst the peasant population. These manners were later written down in the Courtesy Book so every one of the three literate people of the time could learn which fork to start a meal with.
This was all well and good back in the day. Let’s take the classic door hold. A knight would ride up at full speed before a lady and dropkick the door asunder for her. This was a necessity. The lady was so puffed out due to 70 layers of corset and dress she was physically unable to open the door.
Now let’s take the same situation today. Could there be a more complicated move that yields less happiness? You saunter up to a door with someone behind. If you’re too far ahead of them and hold the door, they suddenly feel as though time has slowed to a crawl. Every agonizing nanosecond that passes, they are forcing you to expend your energy for their sake. They feel compelled to totter up at this weird half-walk half-run pace that resembles a limping jackrabbit. While they’re still a tad too far away they’ll reach out with a free arm in a vein gesture to show how committed they are to relieving you of your Atlas duty. By the time they finally grab the door, they only have energy to mutter/sigh a weak “thanks.”
What if the door opens inward? Then it’s an even bigger mess. You can hurry though ahead of the person and do a spin move to pin the door against the wall while still standing in the person’s way. Alternatively, you can try to extend an arm through the door in front of you and use mad tricep fulcrum action to pin the door open for the person. Either way, you end up looking ridiculous, and the person going through the door feels embarrassed and hurries by.
Then there are always the few people who take OFFENCE to your helping them as if by holding a door you are decreeing to the world this person is incapable of helping themselves in even the most trivial of life’s challenges. They may say nothing at all, or reply with a snooty “I’ve got it.”
The rarest outcome is the desired one; somehow timing your arrival at a door perfectly with another party and easily pulling it aside as they stride in. Car doors are the most obvious candidates for this to work, but even here you must be wary. In a parking lot it is neigh impossible to beat a person to their door without sprinting there ahead of them. If you do make it ahead, you’re pinned against another car while they pass resulting in an awkward butt-shimmy dance.
“Come on, Dylan. Holding the door for people is just common courtesy. What if their arms are full of groceries?”
Your best bet, Oddly Situational Key, is to strike up a casual conversation with this grocery carrier, and ask her to dinner. You can take her on no less than three dates and share jollies about each other’s past. Soon, you will reach a level of social contentment with her that transcends the usual awkwardness associated with strangers helping each other. At this point, ask her back to her place. There you can safely hold the door for her while she enters.
“…Dylan, I think you’re missing the point entirely.”
YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER! Holding the door isn’t the only time courtesy can be discourteous. How about waiting for everyone to be seated before starting a meal? Sure, this sounds great on paper. In practice you run into all types of insanity. You may be sitting there all calm and collected in the face of glorious food when suddenly one of your comrades starts to devour everything before him. He may notice you have not started yet, and then he feels super awkward and guilty for being a terrible person. Now he has to sulk the entire dinner, and will end up drawing a bath in his own tears as he relives the moment all night. All this just so the last person to the table can trumpet, “Oh, just go ahead and start before it gets cold.”
Picking up objects someone else drops is a move of pure havoc as well. Inevitably, both parties involved go in for the kill. This can result in headbutting, unintentional squats, loss in balance, or an accidental romantic relationship.
“So what’s your solution, Negative Ninny? If everyone started running around slamming doors in their neighbor’s face so they can get to dinner first and finish before anyone else has even picked up their dropped mail, would the world suddenly be filled with daffodils and happy honey?”
You paint a rosy Bob Ross, Satirically Tragic Key. Like I said in my lead, I think courtesy is important. I also think it requires some finesse. Realize it can be just as obnoxious to hold the door for someone who is 30 paces behind you as it is to slam it in their face. If a host gives you a blessing to start eating, don’t be obstinate in your procrastination. Be sure to actually call your headbutt romance, but wait a few days beforehand. It’s the little intricacies that help preserve courtesy for the next generation.
“So what’s your take on picking up the bill at dinner?”
Not even gonna go there, Running Joke Key.
