Robert Fulghum claims all he really needs to know he learned in kindergarten, Monkey Keys. I assume he means you learn how to hide your Legos behind the piano so the PM kids won’t break them down. Of course they always end up finding your stash and taking it for themselves. Maybe that was the ultimate lesson?
I learned a better lesson in second grade when I called a girl butthead for kicking me off the slide. Slander can send you to the hoosegow. That or a crying girl gets whatever she wants. Or perhaps, more generically, charisma wins over reason.
All good lessons, but interestingly, all taught by my peers. I started contemplating common lessons taught to kindergarteners by our authority figures today. They often sound good in theory, but end up a confusing mess for us later in life.
How about, ‘Don’t take candy from a stranger?’ That’s all fine and dandy until someone brings in candy and is told, ‘Don’t bring in candy unless you have enough for everyone.’ Pardon me Miss Bipolar, but I don’t know where Snotty Timmy was keeping that bag of M&Ms before he came in. For all we know it served as his personal spittoon for peanut shells and Skoal. So my head reeled with confusion until today when a young lady offers me candy on my way into work. Is this a good witch, or a bad witch? She didn’t try slipping me some poppy seeds, but she sure didn’t float in on a pink water balloon either.
I turned the candy down only to discover later she had been working for the United Way and was trying to promote the start of their campaign. In sticking with Kindergarten, I may have inadvertently doomed thousands of kids.
How about ‘Wait your turn?’ This is one that needed a caveat. Sure, it makes sense while waiting to ride the Raptor or checking out at Wal-Mart, but try it when merging onto the autobahn. Better yet, think about it while waiting behind someone else who is trying it when merging onto the autobahn. This rule has the potential to cause homicidal outbursts. What if you were in a Graduate-like situation, and Elaine is getting married off. Do you wait your turn? If you do I can guarantee Simon and Garfunkel ain’t got your back. Then you’re stuck listening to Green Day, alone, on the bus
‘Don’t talk with food in your mouth?’ Tell that to Jimmy Stewart while he’s addressing congress. You don’t talk for 23 hours nonstop without a Hot Pocket or two. What if he had followed this rule? The Boy Rangers would have been so disappointed. The very foundation of youth patriotism would have been destroyed. Why, I’d postulate the entire fabric of the country would unravel in social discord. Way to disobey Jimmy!
“Dylan, may I cut in?”
Of course, Courteous Key.
“If I could offer an observation, your arguments are flimsy at best. While every rule has moments when it would be better to disobey, the majority of the time there is a good reason to uphold them.”
What!? You would side with the teacher?
“Huh? No I was simply saying tha-“
TEACHER’S PET! TEACHER’S PET!
“Is this really necessary?”
Hey, if you love teacher so much, why dontcha MARRY her?
“I’m already happily married to Oppressive Key.”
Alright, I can see I’m preaching to those who fell along the road here. All I have to say is Robert Fulghum should rethink his theory. Kindergarten lessons? Ha! Everything I really need to know I learned from the Dukes of Hazard.
“You can’t be serious!”
Of course I am, Oppressive Key. You two make an adorable couple by the way. The Dukes taught me valuable life lessons like police can’t follow you across the county line. Every town has a fat man trying to undermine your moonshine operation. You can break as many laws as you want with no repercussion whatsoever as long as you help save the day. You have a hot cousin. Dodge Chargers have better suspension than an ocean of Tempur-Pedic® mattresses. This is compelling stuff I use every day!
“Well Dylan, all the pieces seem to be falling into place. But there is still one thing that is troubling me…”
Alright, go ahead, Inspector Clouseau Key.
“What did Jimmy Steward do during that filibuster when he had to take a pee?”
…I…well that is to say… Hmm…
