I normally enjoy playfully beating around the bush when I post, Monkey Keys, but not today. I hate the Honda Odyssey. I hate everything about it. Some in the audience may be unfamiliar with the Honda Odyssey, so I will pitch it as a fraternity educated salesman.
You, good sir; you look like someone in need of some feminization. Let me ask you something; what if I could give you a minivan that is exactly the same as every minivan you never wanted to drive? Is that something you’d be interested in? I thought so. Hang a hungry lip over this bad boy. The Honda Odyssey!
The Odyssey is named after Homer’s epic poem of the same name. I mean EPIC! The thing follows this guy, Odysseus, running around fighting hydras and giants and scoring with mermaids. Don’t you want to be doing that? Well now you can ride in a decisively average minivan that can comfortably seat eight mermaids. You’ll literally be a character IN the Odyssey! How cool is that?
And check it; we’re not talking your above average engines here. This baby sports a primo 6-cylinder with a 5-speed automatic. People relate this thing to an Acura! You’ve heard of them right? That’s a sensible machine for a sensible man.
So you’re probably asking me, “Yeah, I love this fine piece of craftsmanship. What sets it apart from the crowd though?” Glad you asked, Sucker Key. This innovative monster has DUAL glove boxes AND an in-floor Lazy Susan storage compartment. That’s just like the storage you have in the upper-middle class kitchen you can’t afford! You probably keep the cat litter in it. Now you can keep the cat litter in your VAN! I’ll wipe the drool off your lip for you.
Let’s talk safety. Can’t drive? This thing is for you. We have vehicle stability control onboard. That’s the same type of thing you’d get on a Bugatti for doing a 90 degree corner at 180 miles per hour. Now you have it on your VAN! When you inevitably manage to crash it in a fit of your own self worthlessness though, you’ve got side curtain airbags to back you up and some useless star rated crash number. As an added bonus, the thing is so freakishly big and ugly you’ll walk away unscathed while killing every compact driver around you.
I know what you’re thinking; you want to write me a blank check and drive off the lot right now with ten of them. No need! A new one of these will only set you back $26,255 – $41,005 depending on how big a tool I am when it comes time to close. It’s worth every penny of that loan though, I guarantee. Think of how envious all your friends will be when you come rolling up to the weekly barbeque with run flat tires. They won’t even be able to slash them in a fit of jealous rage!
I’ll give you a few seconds to decide while I pretend to entertain other interested parties. Let me just say, I can picture you in this van. You think hard about that.
“Dylan, you really seem to hate the Honda Odyssey.” What on earth tipped you off, Sleuth Key?
“Well, what gives?” Oh, these things keep getting in front of me and driving slow.
“Wait… seriously?” Yeah.
“Well, in this economy, people can’t afford to drive fast and waste extra gas.” You’re punishing me, aren’t you? I can’t stand minivans in general, but this one has simply pushed too many buttons. I’m calling on all Keys. If you know someone with an Odyssey, please have an intervention with them. Explain to them they aren’t a failure, they’re just misguided. Take their keys from them if you have to. It’s a thankless job, but you may be saving lives.
I would go so far as to say we should push unmanned Odysseys into whatever gaping chasm you have nearby, but Obfuscational Hazard Legal informed me we could get sued for that. So whatever you do, do not fill random Honda Odyssey gas tanks with sand. Do not key “the Iliad Rulz!!!1!” into the side of them. Certainly don’t cover the exterior of them in old McDonald wrappers and sodas when they’re parked in the hot sun under twelve hundred seagulls.
As a final note, if you’re at a stage in your life where you are contractually obligated to transport 6-8 people on an everyday basis, buy a used school bus instead. THAT would be sweet ambrosia.
I’ll see you on the road, Monkey Keys.
