obfuscational hazard

Happy day, Monkey Keys. Today I’d like to comment on an interesting new trend I don’t fully understand. Whilst perusing a popular job searching website a moon or two ago, I came across a very interesting job opportunity. For hilarity’s sake, I actually just ctrl+c’ed the ad and put it here. I can’t make better stuff up!

NO EXPERIENCE? PLEASE APPLY! Marketing Positions, Entry Level

About the Job
If you’re looking for an old-school Clerical, Administrative, Cubicle or Retail Job, keep looking….

This ad is for a business opportunity – a unique shot at advancing in the marketing field if you have the drive and ambition it takes to excel.

REMEMBER, THIS IS ENTRY LEVEL. So you MUST HAVE LESS THAN 4 years experience.
If I still have your attention…GREAT, read on!

What we are doing is looking for a group of people dedicated to working hard and who are prepared to do what it takes today in order to give themselves the lifestyle they want in the future, and reach management status 12 months from now. If you’ve got people skills and a little experience in sales, retail, or in marketing things to consumers, you’re halfway there. If you’ve got the ability to see the big picture, and a drive to succeed at all costs, we are definitely interested in working with you!

No cubicles, no cold-calling, no chasing down leads, no 9-5 hours here. No prior experience necessary – we’ll give qualified candidates full, on the job mentorship, from successful people in the business.

So whats the catch?

No catch. Go ahead and visit our website at: www.idpromotionz.com
You can reach management, if you are willing to work hard and succeed, and make a solid commitment in changing your life.

Requirements
Excellent verbal and communication skills
Ability to work effectively and succeed in a fast paced environment
Must have (or be able to learn) leadership skills
Ability to prioritize job responsibilities and manage time effectively
Must be able to get along well with other team members!
Have a Student Mentality.

The ad seems very adamant about getting people who know nothing at all to do something unspecified in order to become the manager of who knows what. If you can see the “big picture” though, they’re definitely INTERESTED IN U! I suppose that rules me out, since I can’t even see the small picture here. Although I meet most of the requirements, so maybe they won’t mind. Who would be unable to “learn” leadership skills anyway? Their primary job requirements are a watered down concoction of any normal job’s crap requirements that everyone claims they can do by default. The one exception would be “have a student mentality” which I can only assume means “must be uneducated enough to fall for this horrible debacle of a scam.”

They had better hope second graders are looking for work if they actually want people to apply. Seriously, did they have to spell promotions with a flipping Z? Why not name their company “LOL u g0Tz PWN3D 5|_|K3r.” At least then I’d take them as some hip new internet gaming company. “ID Promotionz” sounds like it was spawned by a washed-up, middle-aged, balding salesman who, after going on a three week bender only to end up passed out in a puddle of his own goo that used to be his last four dollars, decided he needed a funky-fresh sounding name that could attract gullible 20-somethings with a weak grasp of the world outside text messaging.

If you get past the superfluous Z, the next deceased giveaway should be the “so whats the catch” line. I can let the missing apostrophe slide, but what is that line doing there in the first place? Why would I, as a potential employee, even consider a “catch” being involved with doing work for monetary compensation? This company is on the defensive for no conceivable reason. That simply screams there actually is a catch. I mean, this is a lesson they should know from Bugs Bunny.

Irish Cop: “Alright, Rabbit. Where’s Rocky? Where’s he hidin’?”

Bugs: “He’s not hiding in the stove!”

Irish Cop: “Oh ho! He’s hidin’ in the stove eh?”

Bugs: “Now look, would I turn on the gas if my pal Rocky was in there?”

Irish Cop: “Ehhh, you might, Rabbit, you might.”

Bugs: “Well would I throw a lighted match in there if he was in there?”

BOOM!

Irish Cop: “All right, Rabbit, you’ve proved your point. I’ll go look for Rocky in the city.”

In fairness to Bugs, he was trying to kill Rocky in order to save his own hide and wanted the cop to be skeptical. Perhaps ID Promotionz wants people to be skeptical too. If the applicant is skeptical of the ad and STILL calls in, they just might be stupid or desperate enough to work there. None of this answers what ID Promotionz actually DOES, so, my curiosity piqued, I checked their website.

I could put another mountain of text here, but instead I recommend you check out the site. I CHALLENGE you to tell me what your job would be at this company based on anything they printed. The only thing I could really glean was their affinity to hiring attractive models. Perhaps it is a modeling agency? No, they mention marketing and non-profit organizations a lot. Maybe you make professional looking websites for companies that make no money. Someone had to do that for ID Promotionz after all.

I finally found two descriptions that confirmed every suspicion I had about the place though. Read this and then this to find out what ID does and who does it for them.

Irish Cop: “Alright, Dylan. Where’s ID Promotionz? Where’s he hidin’?”

He’s not hiding in the stove…

Happy New Year, Monkey Keys! I hope your holidays were merry and filled with silver and gold.

“Just silver this year, Dylan. Thanks for rubbing it in.” Oh right… sorry I forgot about the tax evasion charges, Scrooge McDuck Key. I could talk about how there’s a new year coming and so many things are about to change. The country is headlong in an economic crisis that has no signs of letting up. Major corporations are collapsing. We have a new president about to be inaugurated. His ambitious plans are certain to spark controversy and change at every level. American Idol is planning on removing their Tuesday night show this season…

So much that needs to be covered, but I wanna talk about pirates, so nuts to that. Specifically, I want to talk about the era of exploration. There was a time, Monkey Keys, where the map of the world looked awesome. Nobody knew where anything was. Countries were formed by plopping a flag in the ground and shouting a decree. A DECREE! Who even decrees anymore? Maybe a used care salesman will decree on an extremely rare occasion. Every fork in the road could mean certain death by a monster that has yet to be wikied. Conversations about exploring the unknown parts of the earth were wild speculations of doom.

Don’t sail too far out into the Atlantic, Jimmy. The Kraken lives there and he sank a million boats before you!

“But we haven’t sent any boats out there SPECIFICALLY because there’s a Kraken…”

SILENCE! You’re a witch and shall be sliced into cubits before being fed to a dragonsaur that will then be burned and eaten. The Kraken actually ate TWO million boats, and he did it without any tartar sauce. Besides, even if you made it past the Kraken, who, incidentally, patrols the entire coastline of the known world at all times, you would be consumed by the ghosts of the two hundred million people who he ate!

“But there are only like 500 million people on Ear…”

AND if you made it past the ghosts, you would reach the dreaded downspout of decapitation which no man has ever seen and lived. We only know if its existence because a sparrow ate three worms last Wednesday which is a sign from God that the downspout will eat all our wormlike souls.

“I think you actually mean drain of decapitation. Downspouts need to be attached to a roo…”

Then, past these unheard of terrors, what awaits your discovery; the end of the world of course. You will die for sure in a most humiliating eternal freefall.

“Life expectancy on land is about 22 years anyway, and that will be considerably shortened for me if this witch trial thing doesn’t get an appeal.”

Alright, I’m going to level with you, Jimmy. Financing boats costs like 45 francs, and I need the cash money to pay for concubines.

“Does this mean I get to live?”

Yes, Jimmy, concubines.

The world was, in essence, a blank canvas where anything could happen. That blank canvas has been carved into sovereign nation states that hold the legal rights to any discovered creatures. The conversation before setting sail across the Atlantic would be rather mundane.

Don’t sail too far into the Atlantic, Jimmy. You may get seasick.

“ROFLCOPTER!”

Granted, any occurrence of a roflcopter is an exciting turn of events, but not Kraken exciting. I’m essentially sick of science spoiling all my fun. It’s basically a fact I’m not going to be eaten by unicorn riding werewolves if I go out into the forbidden forest after nightfall. Great, I’m real happy for you science. Thank you for proving werewolves don’t know how to ride unicorns. Telling me Santa would have to go 3.5 thousand miles a second to make his yearly rounds was already heartbreak enough. I think our only option is to destroy a bunch of scientific research.

Hear me out on this one, Keys. What if we picked an animal at random (aardvark for example) and burned everything that documents their existence. Then, we send a bunch of attractive 20-somethings into whatever country aardvarks live in. We tell them horrible stories about these creatures with extremely long noses that burrow into the human brain for shelter while their host sleeps. Someone inevitably sees an aardvark and freaks out. Crazy scandalous sex parties and petty rivalry ensue in a most hilarious fashion. We get it all on tape, and send it to FOX for a new reality show, “Survivor: Forgotten Legends.”

Ah, who am I kidding? That’s basically the plot of Lost already. I guess I’ll eat a gallon of Haagen-dazs and watch American Idol like everyone else. Maybe I’ll discover a peanut in my ice cream.

I do decree!