obfuscational hazard

The deepening shadows on the canyon walls filled me with a certain level of dread, Monkey Keys. A simple matter of light can really play tricks on a man who hasn’t seen the area void of it. I started tracing my hand along the rock and straining my eyes against the deep blue wall before me.

“Relax Feanor,” I began talking to myself. “What are you, man or nectar? Why, you’ve been in hundreds of worse situations without the aid of caffeine. Remember that time you were lost in the Chemdew with only a juice box to sustain you? Then that janitor snake tried to drink it all when you weren’t looking, but you saw him all along.” I laughed in nervous remembrance. Something was out there.

I had heard a faint muttering during my soliloquy.

“Yeah, you do mutter from time to time.”

Hush Needs to Affirm Own Self-worth Via Slander Key. I heard the sickeningly familiar muttering of a lost new hire.

“Ok, only another mile or so to the west obelisk,” I reassured myself while quickening my pace. The muttering subsided, and I finally found the second treat tower.

This tower, nestled in the undergrowth along the edge of the Forest of Fungus, was quite different from its predecessor. It was a bright red, and had a different array of flasks altogether. Still, the ritual was the same, and I approached the obelisk with offerings in hand.

Immediately I knew something was amiss. The screen depicting my offering amount was flashing an odd 999.99. I pressed several of the flask dispenser notches, but was rewarded with nothing. The beast wouldn’t accept my new offering either. It appeared that someone had killed it.

“Diiiiiiiillllllonnnnnns! He being seeing dem’ Stevens handsy workin’s!” My eyes shot straight up. Steven was perched atop the obelisk with a variety of wires hanging from his grinning maw. I instinctively grabbed for Narglos and could only curse myself when I found nothing but air. “We being ‘membering dem badgery-do. ‘Membering dem Petres and Dillllon leaverings the Steven…” I could tell things were going south pretty quick. It was time to sell my escape.

“Steven,” I began while backing away slowly. “Haven’t seen you in many a moon.”

“Been leaverings he with dem’ spiders an’ trolls!” Steven scowled as he spit the wires to the ground. “Theiverings from dem’ Stevens! Thiverings the red badgery-do. We hates the Diiiillon. Hates him to dathers…” Steven hopped from his perch and crept toward me. I was backed against the canyon wall. Steven became even more unintelligible as he inched within striking distance. I grabbed the silver safety badge, and prayed.

“Steven, you’re being unpleasant again,” said a soft spoken voice from afar. Steven recoiled a moment.

“Dillons being needing dem’ eatsies!”

“No Steven. You need to return to Techerton and finish your work.”

“Lizzzz…” hissed Steven as he backed off. “Dillonsss be the luckerings.” Steven turned and ran off into the darkness. I stood alone a moment catching my breath.

“Who’s out there?” I called at length. I could tell Steven was long gone, but the distinctly heavy feel of another presence still lingered. A bright blue light illuminated the edge of the forest. A light haze was left in its wake for a moment, and then I saw a small figure clad in orange robes.

“No one of importance,” came the soft voice as the figure approached.

“Still, I have to know who saved me.”

“I doubt you completely mean that. I am Elizabeth Underhill.” Elizabeth threw her hood back and glanced at me slyly. I drew a breath of relief.

“Thank goodness I can find a Green or two even out on the fringe. Thank you kindly for helping me Elizabeth. I am truly indebted to you.” Elizabeth paused about 10 feet from me and smiled.

“You’re welcome, Feanor.” I started at the comment having not remembered telling the girl my name. “Perhaps I just found it curious a Green was out so far on his own.” I stepped back and looked down at the girl’s badge.

“A Red!” I exclaimed tightening up again.

“Indeed.”

“But, why?”

“Just do me a favor and remember Feanor. Perhaps it is time your prejudices be relaxed.” With that, Elizabeth vaporized in another cloud of blue. As the light died off, I realized I was alone.

“Elizabeth… now I may have seen everything,” I muttered. It was completely dark now, and I was no closer to finding the green nectar. I pulled my map out and studied it. To the northeast there was another obelisk. I had no choice but to keep moving. I bounded north and into the forest of Fungus.

I was exhausted at this point Monkey Keys. I had planned on quaffing the rejuvenating flask nearly 12 hours sooner. That night of wandering through the forest is only a haze in my mind.

When dawn broke, I found myself at the foot of the third mighty obelisk. It was a mirror image of the first. Blue and proud it stood. I shakily stood before it with my quarter in hand.

A dead thud later, I was staring at my quarter lying along on the ground. This obelisk, like the first, had rejected my offering. A tear rolled down my check and joined the quarter.

“Petre wouldn’t have given up,” I said looking at the silver badge. “Never…” Light crept across the field as I looked to the south. It would be a long journey to my last bastion of hope.

As I would find out later, I wouldn’t make it there first.

This, like all my tales from work, is a true story Monkey Keys. If you’ve been a lazy Key and neglected the “one badge to rule them all” trilogy, now would be a good time to read it and gain some perspective.

Not long ago, I was enjoying a relative peace that fell over Techerton. Petre and I had found the legendary silver badge and used its power for good (mostly). The mystic badge was enough to keep the Reds at bay. It was a time of joy for us Greens. The day soon came, however, that Petre had foreseen many moons ago.

“Feanor,” he said to me one day whilst I pondered an inappropriate access spreadsheet. “It is time.” I looked up at him, his hand clasping the legendary silver badge for which we had both sacrificed so much.

“It’s almost 10:45, Petre,” I said with a confused glance. “Little late for amptastic treat…”

“I mean it is time for me to leave this company.” I was taken aback. Petre had found a better job, and was leaving Techerton for good. “I want you to have this, Feanor,” he said handing me the silver safety badge. “It’s up to you to defend Techerton now. I know you have it in you.”

“Defend Techerton alone?” I mumbled looking sheepishly at Narglos. A thin coating of dust had settled over its underutilized hilt. “I can’t do this by myself.”

“You can with that badge, Feanor.” Petre gazed longingly up into the fluorescents overhead. “I would have followed you my friend; my captain; my king!”

“Petre…”

“…but this offer is WAYYYYYYY too righteous. I mean, seriously. I get my own office, and a week of work at home time a month. Oh, and the PAY, Feanor, the PAY is simply immense!” And so, Petre Thunderbrew left Techerton for the last time.

That was over one month ago.

It was a normal morning the day it started. I was knee deep in a meeting with some Reds when all of a sudden I felt powerfully parched. Such alliteration never goes unnoticed in my mind. It was then I decided to venture to the Portal of Heights Pass vending machine to acquire some carbonated nectar. It was to be a short journey; only a day’s walk from Techerton. As such, I decided to leave Narglos at my desk. I gathered a dollar 25 to purchase the nectar with and my silver safety badge.

The walk through the outskirts of Techerton was peaceful enough. I ran into some Greens along the way and we shared some jollies about the local baron.

“So Baron Tyconderous hasn’t been seen in a fortnight I do hear,” remarked a short scruffy green as he plopped on a log. “I dare say he might sill be sleeping off that tankard of mead I witnessed him guzzling down at the second quarter green festival the other night!” A flurry of snickers erupted from the group.

“Perhaps you didn’t witness the aftermath where he drove his carriage sideways into a bog!” Another Green giggled.

“Now I do decree sir, you are telling yarns and folk stories now,” I sighed checking my pocket watch. “Oh dear, but I must away. I was to be at the Portal of Heights Pass before sundown. Tally-ho!”

The rest said their goodbyes again, and I was off. Ere long, Techerton was a shrinking painting to my back. The lands immediately around it could be treacherous after sundown, but with the safety badge at my side I knew I would be ok. As dusk settled along the canyon walls, I approached the entrance to Portal of heights pass. My destination was finally in sight. The mighty obelisk of mountain nectar stood before me in the waning light.

No one knew for sure what ancient race had constructed the dispenser. All we knew for sure was every week or so it could be found filled to the brim with delicious liquids stuffed in carbonated flasks. The potions contained within were renowned for their rejuvenating properties. It was said that the green nectar in particular was capable of bringing a man back from death’s clutches. It was this prize I was after.

Gathering my dollar 25, I approached the structure. Slowly, I entered the paper into its secret slot; a ritual passed on for generations of Greens. The obelisk grumbled in acceptance of my sacrifice. There was a time this gesture was enough to appease the great structure, but in recent years these beasts had become angry at the world. Now, one additional piece was necessary to complete the dance of the nectar; my quarter. I carefully raised the currency disk to the smaller, hidden slot in the metal before me. With one extra tap I dropped it in, and awaited the pleased confirming clink of the rock.

I heard no such sound.

Instead, my quarter was lying at my feet. The obelisk still demanded another 25 cents. Confused, I returned the quarter to the slot only to have it fall through the metal and back to my feet again. Five, six, and seven times I repeated the process; each time becoming more and more agitated. What part of the ritual was I doing wrong? I examined my quarter. It wasn’t of the evil doppelganger currency forged in the frozen tundra of Cannibalda. I tried my backup quarter only to get the same result. For whatever reason, the gods of the nectar were displeased with my sacrifice, and I wasn’t to be rewarded.

I begrudgingly pulled a hidden lever on the obelisk to retrieve four quarters in my dollar’s stead. Night was falling, and I was without the healing power of the green nectar. I should have returned to Techerton right then and there, but I was a stubborn child. For a moment or two I contemplated the situation. I had heard rumors in the past of three more obelisks scattered around the land of the cooperate center. Perhaps my sacrifice would be enough to appease one of them?

I carefully marked their locations on my map and planned my next move. There was one only a few hours to the west! Surely this would appease my growing thirst. I gathered my belongings and veritably ran off into the night. I didn’t hear the scurrying coming from behind…