obfuscational hazard

I know not how long I slept Monkey Keys. All I remember is the eerie stillness I awoke to. The chaos of my last memories was replaced by a soft breeze flowing through the Forest of Fungus. It was very dark, and Petre was nowhere in sight. I dared not move at first for thought the gold badge may still be near. Nearly 20 minutes passed without a sound. At length I gathered my nerve and struggled to my feet using a nearby stump as leverage. I didn’t appear to have any serious injuries, but my head hurt something fierce, and Narglos was noticeably absent.

“Petre,” I harshly whispered hardly louder than the wind. The only response was a nearby toad. Lacking any real bearing, I moved in the direction of the toad. At the very least, hey, free toad. Three hours later, and still toadless, my situation hadn’t improved much. It was then I heard the faint shuffling behind me.

I paused a moment thinking the sound only to be the echo of my own meanderings, or perhaps the wind sailing past a branch. Not hearing anything, I continued only to be rejoined by the mysterious audio.

“Petre?” I asked the night. No response. As fear began to rise, so did my hand toward a nearby branch. The rustling proceeded to increase in audible clarity and I brought the branch high over my head in a serious “I shall bean the beans from your head” stance. Then it was upon me.

“It bes the Diiiiiiiiillllllon!” Steven chortled with a sideways scamper from a thicket in front of me. “He’s don gon being dem guy looking for a badgery-do?” Steven stood a bit over five feet tall, and was decked hair to toe in a strange garb from yesteryear. With big bulbous eyes and a huge grin he approached me.

“Hey Steven…” I said with a miserable sigh. He was the last thing I wanted to see at that moment. He’d only joined a month back. It seemed like much longer. “Yeah, I’m looking for a badge for Petre. I’ve gotten myself slightly lost.”

“Dems Petre bein’ on the badgery-do hunt with Dillonzz? Why not bes getting’ dem Steven? Steven be the finderings on you team badgery-do!”

“Look… Steven I appreciate the offer, but really I can handle the hunt with Petre.”

“Oh, dems Dillonz not be the know how of wickery woodsie, and he done losering the way ‘fo he bes finding it! Steven knows them ways! Dillonz been following them Steven. Been follow!” Steven scampered past me and came to a halt a few paces down. “Followz dem!” He said turning to me and motioning. I suppose I should have run the other direction screaming. What can I say, I was lost. I followed them Steven.

I walked slowly behind Steven as he bounded from rock to rock. The whole time he blithered on about any and everything we had seen, were seeing, might see, or would indeed never come in contact with. A mere 78 minutes into the ordeal, I was going through heavy Narglos withdrawal.

Dawn seemed to be fighting with the tree line to shed some light on the situation. A slight grayish tint began to replace the darkness around us as I began to finally familiarize myself with the woods. Everything was sickly. The trees all hung over sideways as if they couldn’t support their own weight. It looked as though they had been locked in their own canopy so long they had forgotten what real light looked like.

Suddenly, Steven stopped. He stood in the center of a thicket, nose to the wind.

“What is it Steven?” I asked peering about the wood.

“Wes no bein’ dem lone…” He hissed at me. “Quiets!” He motioned toward some fallen logs, and I took cover behind them. Steven loafed into a tree, and we waited. Voices were approaching from the direction we had just come from. Then I saw Petre. He was being carried on a log by two management trolls.

“Why’d it have to be management…” I hissed under my breath. Then I saw the small blade nearly falling out of the pocket of the lead troll. “Narglos…”

“I do decree, we should eat this little individual and use his bones as a fine set of ivory toothpicks!” Said one troll as they came to a halt right before my log.

“Not at all good sir,” the second spoke. “The calories in a man alone would put me far over my diet’s daily allocated amount. I would be forced to do extra cardio, and that just does not sit well with me.”

“Well you already ate that cheesecake at Denny’s this afternoon, pig!”

“It was only because that nice waitress gave me the half-off coupon, and you know it Ted. You would have done the same thing if you hadn’t needed to frequent the washroom every time we enter a restaurant.”

“Well how else would I know if they had those free little mints I like so much! You know those little chocolate sticks? You can’t get those anywhere besides a restaurant.”

“Oh yes, those are scrumptious…”

“Quite…” Now was my chance. In two strides I was at Ted’s pocket and had Narglos in hand. One more second I would have had his head off, when suddenly I was moving through the air.

“Now what have we here Ted?” The troll said as he lifted me high. “I do believe we have another member here to feast on. How decadent!”

“Oooo, no Phillip, that would double the already outlandish amount of calories we’re preparing to consume. I’d lose our 50 pound challenge for sure if I were to partake in two man feasts.”

“Besides, I taste like turpentine!” I tried to chime in.

“You be quiet green badge!” Ted snarled at me. “I didn’t notice he was a green badge Phillip! I shall have to spoil my diet after all. Now the question is, do we eat them with or without marinara sauce?”

“You HAVE to use marinara sauce Ted! We’d be uncivilized to eat a man without marinara sauce. Everyone knows that!”

“True, but we have no chardonnay to wash it down with…” I realized the situation was deteriorating rapidly, but I was being held to far from either of the trolls to do any damage with Narglos. Then, Steven solved all our problems for us.

“You nots been eating if’in been not invites dem Steven!” He leapt from his tree and sauntered over toward the trolls.

“What in heaven’s name is that!” Ted said with a girly squeal. Phillip whirled around so quickly, he dropped me. A jump later, and I had Petre freed from the log. I motioned to the bushes behind us, and we took off running. As we headed toward daybreak, we could hear the chaos ensuing behind us.

“But Ted, I don’t want to go to the stranger’s house for dinner! Our meals necessitate a certain level of respectability!”

“But he said he’s making lobster bisque! Wait… where did our dinner away to?”

Life is filled with conflict, Monkey Keys. Police and criminals have conflict almost every day. People in relationships argue over what restaurant they wish to frequent. Even the birds in the trees and the cats on the ground go through the rigmarole of political propaganda.

So why should work be any different? Oh, trick query, because it is not. You see, at my current job, there are two types of people: green badges and red badges. The two species are named for the color of their identification badges. Red badges are the actual employees while green badges are the contractors. However, a more accurate description would be to say red badges are the lords of the earth while green badges are the fungus growing under the bacteria inhabiting the bathroom floor’s infected toenail.

I am a green badge.

There are many slaps in the face for being a green badge. I don’t get invited to any company parties for instance. I can’t use the company socializing website. I’m not privy to any financial information. IT support won’t help us. We can’t dress casual on Fridays. There are other things like huge salary differences and the impossibility to be promoted beyond a certain level if you’re into that kind of trivial malarkey. The point is we’re sub-citizens.

Never was this more apparent then when I embarked on a great quest with a fellow Green Badge Key. At my job, you can be rewarded colored safety badges for great acts of heroism in times of conflict (apparently the powers that be have a fetish for colored identification cards). They come in bronze, silver and gold depending on the value of your deed. Bronze is awarded for minor acts while gold requires saving a nation from immanent death. One red badge coworker of mine was awarded a silver safety badge for selflessly diving in front of a loaded coffee maker to prevent the caffeinated magma from maiming some helpless OPs. He was nominated, recognized, and hand delivered the badge within 12 hours.

My green badge coworker was nominated and recognized for the same prestigious honor when he bravely thwarting a brandished paper cutting blade with his own two mitts. Two weeks passed and he received nothing. In that time our red badge colleague was delivered an extra silver badge just for good measure. By the end of the third week, we wrote in to inquire where the badge was. The committee in charge of issuing these things had no idea. Days later, a random OP contacted my friend, and said we could come get the badge ourselves if we could locate her within the labyrinth.

The way would be treacherous. Leaving the relative safety of Techerton, we would be forced to cross the Chasm of Reproach, and… of forget it, you all want a map anyway don’t you Visual Learning Keys.

We planned for a fortnight before finally setting out on the great journey. It would be just us two; Feanor of Westshore and Petre Thunderbrew. We were young then; we were bold. We had no idea what we were getting into.

Night passed on the first day with little incident. Some goblins tried to attack at daybreak, but were quickly dispatched via my katana, Narglos. We decided to head west toward the Great Council Chamber. The evil one, Livy of Under Born, was known to watch Portal of Heights Pass, and few minions would be convening in the council chamber early in the morn. Petre readied his battleaxe just in case as we crept into the room.

There wasn’t a single drop of light to greet us.

“Feanor,” Petre said to me. “Something is amiss. The foul stench of red hangs in the air. We should have kept to the pass!” I gripped the hilt of Narglos tighter as my eyes franticly searched the area. Everything was deathly still. In a far corner I finally noticed what appeared to be a humanoid outline. I strained my eyes against the darkness waiting for it to move even the slightest inch. I never even saw the figure creeping up on my left.

The lights in the chamber blinded me entirely when they kicked on. That didn’t stop me from hearing the terrifying wail of the creatures surrounding us.

“New Hire Zombies!” I yelled as the beast to my left backhanded me to the ground. My eyes refocused in time to see Petre send a group flying.

“We have to go now!” he gasped as he pulled me to my feet. At least 50 of the monsters were lumbering about us from all sides. There was no way out. Back to back we stood as they came forward. Their snarls and moans reached a deafening crescendo as they came within feet of us. I readied Narglos and awaited the inevitable.

A loud, deep thud rang our like a nearby lightning strike. The new hires seemed to be unnerved and began frantically looking in all directions. It sounded again, and they began to flee.

“What is it Feanor?” Petre inquired as the zombies crawled back into their cubbies. “What has them so shaken?” I closed my eyes as the thud sounded a third time, even louder than before.

“A gold badge…” I said turning to Petre. “We must flee. Our weapons are no longer good here.” Not another word was spared, as we turned and ran for the far entrance. Behind us the gold badge emerged through the doorway. He stood 11 feet tall with a searing white light emanating from the gold safety badge embedded in his chest.

We were out the door seconds later with the giant close behind. It roared, shaking ceiling tiles down about us as we tore headlong into the forest. It was too fast. I couldn’t keep ahead of its stride. The searing light was suddenly all around me. The trees cast evil shadows every which way, and when the beast roared again it seemed to come from all directions at once. I stumbled and turned in time to see the golden heathen rip a tree from the ground as if he were picking up a toothpick. I brought Narglos up in time to take most of the impact, and then I remember nothing…