Buenos dias Monkey Keys. I’m in the Spanish mood today because I’ve got cruises on the mind. Apparently most cruises take place in a Spanishy place known as the Caribbean. This is because by 1700 AD Spain had grabbed every single gorgeous island south of the States. Then the French came and founded Michigan because they’re idiots. I mean, seriously. Steer your boats south people!
But I digress. The Spanish learned southern places were beautiful, so they made cruise lines. I believe this happened in 1767 to combat piracy. Cruise lines were rudimentary back then and lacked many of the luxuries we take for granted today. Shuffleboard, for instance, was replaced with swabbing the deck. Swabbing the deck was like shuffleboard only way more fun and often accompanied by the jolly singing of Village People songs. Swimming pools were replaced by something more primitive known as the ocean. Casinos were still present, but often lacked martini bars. Finally, there were absolutely no IT personnel onboard. This made troubleshooting Blackbeard’s Blackberry a very harrowing ordeal.
Nowadays, this last fact is no longer the case. Cruise lines everywhere need experienced graduates from ITT Tech. or DeVry with their advanced degrees in video game programming, and taking naps with Excel spreadsheets open to mimic doing work. I have a degree in the latter, so I figured I’d see what working one of these love boats was all about. EDITOR’S NOTE: Dylan never actually graduated with his degree in taking naps with Excel spreadsheets open to mimic doing work. He tragically failed his final exam in Adv. Head Balance when his elbow slipped and he knocked his laptop to the floor. Having already been on academic probation for sleeping through too many early morning Circadian Rhythm 380 classes, his financial aid provider denied him an extension.
Before going any further, I’d like to point out the obvious pros for working on a cruise.
a)You get a snappy white uniform with very fine hat.
b)Water water everywhere, and many drops to drink
c)You can play shuffleboard while singing Village People songs
Sadly, however, those are the only good parts of working for a cruise. When I read some of the other demands (that I can only consider torturous cons) I was appalled. Working IT for one of these island fish meant I would be on call forever. That is, my work hours would be from forever to forever with a 0 minute break every forever. While you are on the boat, you are expected to fix every single problem for any tourist, crew member, mutineer, or trained animal that demands it of you. Day or night, onboard or off, dead or alive, you have to drop what you’re doing and fix it.
“But Dylan, what if I want to go scuba diving, and I’m 11,000 leagues under the sea when my pager goes off?” No buts Aquatic Key. You’d best surface immediately and work on that fat Texan’s laptop while enduring the pain of the bends. “What if I’ve had a few too many at the ship’s martini bar?” Sorry Lush Key, you’re going to have to quaff a prairie oyster and stagger to the French bleach-blonde’s cabin to fix her iPhone that won’t synch with her Outlook. “What if I’m at a luau and I just won the limbo competition while simultaneously claiming the new world record for most flexible human, and they’re just about to crown me and give me eleventy billion billion dollars?” Well… um… Mad Crazy Gymnast Key… ok, seriously that’s not going to happen.
I think this little annoyance is more than clear. Moving on, you have to share a cabin the size of my current coat closet. Now sure, if my coworker happens to be Jessica Alba, this is actually a titanic plus. However, I’ve been working in this industry long enough to know my actual coworker would likely be a cross between Pigpen and a hippo who loves talking about his cheese collection to his imaginary pet dinosaur at 4am (not that it being 4am matters in any way since I’m on call forever anyway.)
“Yeah, you’re on call all the time Dylan, but you get a huge break every 8 months or so!” A half truth, Misinformed Key. I won’t mention any companies for fear of being sued by their Satan Branch, but one deal I saw was work for six months straight and get 6 weeks off. Simple math please:
6 months X 4 weeks/month = 24 weeks working STRAIGHT.
24 weeks X 2 daysoffinanormaljobforweekend = 48 days off normally
6 weeks offered by cruise X 7 days in a week = 42 days off for cruise
42 < 48 = cruise job sucks
That’s not even counting the obvious vacation days and sick time a normal job would give you on top of weekends. This is like being slapped in the face with a cruise ship being wielded by Poseidon! Not just any Poseidon, an angry spiteful Poseidon that was just turned down for a date by Aphrodite because his hair was too blue (and let’s face it, his hair is just too blue.)
I’m honestly not sure why the fools on these ships haven’t unionized, or become pirates. I suppose it’s not my place to question another person’s vocation, but I am certain an onboard IT technician is not the correct job for me. I suppose the only option left for an Espanol mood filled Dylan is to take a cruise as a tourist. I only hope Pigpen is qualified to fix my Fisher-Price Laptopo when I drop it in the pool…
