back in the day: February, 2008

plagued

Thursday, February 28th, 2008

Hi Monkey Keys…

“…Hey”

Look, about last post. I’m really sorry. I just have a lot of things on my mind right now you know?

“Yeah. I guess I shouldn’t have just run off like that. And maybe performing the ancient rite of voodoo sickness on you wasn’t so nice either…”

Voodoo ehh? Is that why I’ve been obnoxiously sick all week?

“You mean it actually worked!? I just brought it on an infomercial starring Billy Mays the other night. I figured the whole thing was bubcus.”

Well my fever seems to think otherwise. So what do you say? Truce?

“Most certainly. I hope you feel better soon… sorry about that.”

No worries Apologetic Key, this whole sick thing gave me inspiration for my next post. I got to thinking about all the side effects of being sick. Generally we get the same few things, runny nose, sore throat, fever, and blindness. Sometimes partial liver failure.

You know what though? All those symptoms that make us feel bad are actually the body’s way of fighting germs. Don’t take my word for it, look at the children’s explination of such things like fever, or snot. The body makes those symptoms to kill off the germs. It’s basically using the Longshanks method to winning a war.

“But Hypothalamus, won’t our archers hit our own cells?”

“Yes, but we’ll hit the germs too… we have reserves.”

Man, Longshanks is a jerk of a hypothalamus. I can only hope I have a young Scottish upstart of a white blood cell named William Wallace who’s aching for some revenge. Oh yeah, so check it out. Now that your body is all on this holy crusade to genocide the germs out of you by any means, that self produced snot causes your sore throat. Ohh, good going brain. What’s next, are you going to cure my bruise by stabbing me in the face? …I don’t like that look in your nucleus Longshanks… Oh wait, aches in my cold are your fault too?

At this point, I have to ask myself something. If every single bad effect of being sick is a means to get un-sick… why does my body CARE about being sick? I mean, why not let my body become a melting pot for germs and cells alike? Basically, I’d become the America of human bodies. William Wallace would be all playing soccer with Queen Elizabeth the bacteria. The Dread Virus Roberts may find himself sailing the 7 capillaries alongside Dances With Bones. I would have a utopia society brimming at my pores, and there wouldn’t be the faintest hint of a runny nose or a scratchy throat. Ammo THAT Longshanks!

But then I thought about the whole melting pot thing again. I’m really pretty bad at sharing. The second some cockney English boil demanded a front row seat to my baby face, some John Rambo platelet would eat him. Then there’d be a whole war going on, and what would they do as the years pass? They’d resort to chemical warfare. Then we’re just back at Longshanks with his hand on the thermostat ready to make my life miserable until I die of third degree burning to my soul.

So instead of having a crappy on-again off-again relationship with my fellow germs where we’re bound to break up violently in another six moths over all the differences hidden beneath the membrane, I say nuke ‘em Longshanks! Sometimes, being a little sick now will save you from a disease in the future.

I really am glad to have you back Keys. Those were a lonely few days.

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neverending weekend

Sunday, February 24th, 2008

Monkey Keys, I’m in a pretty fantastic mood. “Why are you in a fantastic mood Dylan?” Well, I’d tell you, but then it wouldn’t be as hilarious to me that you don’t know. Basically, I’m havening a good weekend. This is how good a weekend I am having:

Yeah, I know. With a hat that epic, things must be good. But enough about me Monkey Keys. How have you been? “What, me?” Yeah, I’m not talking to myself here. I mean we’ve been with each other a little while now. We’re both a little older and a little wiser. I just wanted to check in an see how you were doing.

“Well… I mean, I guess I don’t know how to respond to that. Most of the time you’re so caught up in talking about yourself. I just kind of assumed you didn’t care.”

What!? Of course I care Sensitive Key… Remember the time I was all telling you to follow your dreams and move south?

“Yeah yeah… but I mean you were still talking in reference to yourself. Seriously, when is the last time we even went out?”

Well… I mean just last week I took you with me to the mall… oh wait that was someone else.

“Yeah, I’m still waiting.”

Alright, gosh, no need to be a huge jerk about this.

“SEE! There you go again! You talk about yourself non stop, and then all of a sudden start calling ME a jerk! You’re incorrigible. And where were you last night anyway!”

What, are you my keeper now? I was out ok?

“Out? Yeah, that’s completely sketch. After all we’ve been through you’re keeping secrets now.”

Look, I just don’t think you need to know EVERYTHING that happens. What if I were on some important CIA thing and telling you would sign your death certificate?

“Were you on a secret CIA thing?”

No…

“…I’m sorry Dylan… I just… I just need time to think. I’ll talk to you later. Next post maybe… just, bye.”

Now, wait Reclusive Key, I’m sorry. Please, don’t just run off. WAIT! …man I can’t believe you all just left like that… Maybe I could have handled that a little better, but seriously, just leaving right in the middle of a post! Now I really am talking to myself.

Well Dylan, it has still been a good weekend. Yeah self, it sure has…

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how’s your karma?

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

I found a little flash movie a while back that really made me think, Monkey Keys. Here it is (and if you don’t have flash or something lame like that, seriously, buy your grandma a new PC, WITHOUT AOL on it, and get with the present):

http://www.billyblob.com/cartoons/karma-ghost.html

I liked this cartoon so much when I saw it years ago I still think about it whenever something bad happens to me. My first thought is always, “Ok, which blue Smurf caused me to drop my ice cream in my lap!” It’s normally the “lazy” blue Smurf I think. That guy is diabolical.

I think the idea of karma is one that has always been intriguing to the human race though. We like to believe justice will be served in the end. I’m certainly guilty of this myself, so I took a moment tonight to watch my friends the karma ghosts and ask myself why. What is it that makes me care whether or not someone “gets what’s coming?”

First of all, let’s not sugarcoat the concept. If I’m thinking that way, I’m really wishing some level of harm on another person. This is a decisively unchristian concept and rather rude. Now what about the “why” of it? Let’s say Syphon shoots me. I know, he’s a real jackass. In the ICU, I’m starting to get twitters and quips in my head saying I hope he gets smoked by Spider-Man. We’re not talking about a gentle puff here though. Noooo, I want syphon to be web-shot through a 40th story window and plummet into the gaping jaws of a mutant alligator. There he can be slowly digested over 1000 years. As a matter of fact, I would force feed the alligator medical supplies and fountain of youth supplements to ensure he lived longer in the digestive enzymes. Maybe I’d even send him post cards from the outside saying how wonderful happy week was and how much he missed on Epic Day.

But what’s the point? I’m still shot. What about hurting Syphon will make me feel better? For me, I think it’s the desire to have him feel some remorse. I don’t really want Syphon to digest so much as I want him to realize how nasty it was to shoot me (and on my birthday too!). It is a fact Syphon will feel bad if bad things are happening to him, so on some confused level my brain believes this means he’s upset about what he’s done. In reality, all it means is Syphon is upset at Spider-Man for being so awesome.

If someone is going to feel remorse, they’ll feel it regardless if justice is served or not. A prisoner who feels remorse after he’s imprisoned, but not before, is really just sad about being caught. So what is karma really doing for us? It makes sense to say karma makes everything fair in the end, but is that really the case? What would be fair is not being shot. Nothing after the bullet can ever change that.

I don’t think it matters how much I rationalize justice and karma though. There’s just something primeval about a person getting theirs. No matter how civilized we think we are, on occasion we’ll be there with a postcard at the alligator’s mouth, laughing hysterically. When you’re done with your giggle though, Monkey Keys, watch your back. I’m sure there will be a little blue Smurf with his sights set on you.

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the happiest week in the world

Sunday, February 10th, 2008

So it’s that time of year again Monkey Keys. Valentine’s day is this Thursday. It’s freezing cold here, every day is grayer than the last, and now we have to throw a highly subjective holiday into the mix.

Now I could go off into a tangent about how miserable the basted day is for someone forced to spend it watching e-harmony commercials alone on their couch with naught a scoop of ice cream within 40 miles, but that would be counter productive to the title of the post. No, this is going to be the happiest week in the world. “But Dylan, how can you make such a claim?” First of all, Negative Energy Key, I’m not making that claim. The title of this post made it. I don’t pick those, so you’ll have to take that question up with someone else. Secondly, I’ll tell you how.

It’s important to focus on all the amazing things that this week represents. So, I’ve compiled a list!

FEB 11:
Japan is founded in 660 BC. JAPAN! Come on Keys, Japan is one of the most intense countries ever invented, and it would never have been had it not been for February 11! Therefore, the 11th will now be known as Sonic Samurai Day!

Feb 12:
The King of Sweden, Adolf Frederick, ate himself to death in 1771. According to the great citation-less Wikipedia he “consumed a meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, kippers and champagne, which was topped off with 14 servings of his favorite dessert: semla served in a bowl of hot milk.” February 12th will therefore be known as Bloated Belly Day! Eat more than humanly possible. Bonus points are awarded for eating the actual meal that killed the great king. I dare you…

Feb 13:
The first public school in the US is founded in 1635. And guess who doesn’t have to go to school anymore Monkey Keys? That’s right, this guy! And so, we shall celebrate this day as Dylan Doesn’t Dwell in School Day! It is celebrated by me not going to school. If I do, then you fail the holiday.

Feb 14:
Sean Connery does something. That’s right, the great Sean Connery actually did something on this day. Forget Valentine’s Day! This day should be known as EPIC DAY! Epic day is to be celebrated by confronting 3 of your nemeses in epic battle. You only have to win 2 of the 3 battles, but if you die, the day becomes un-epic and you have to count it as Valentine’s day.

Feb 15:
This is Friday. That’s a holiday in its own right

So, you see Keys, this is really an amazing week people worldwide have been missing out on. I know I won’t be making that mistake. Get ready for a happy week!

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buried

Wednesday, February 6th, 2008

Ok, it’s snowing Monkey Keys. No, that isn’t descriptive enough. It’s raining a glacier outside Monkey Keys. It’s been glacier raining the past 18 hours. Here’s a picture I took of outside:

Yeah, just needed to make a note of that. Have a good night Keys.

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n. pl. nem·e·ses (-sz)

Monday, February 4th, 2008

Do you know what the opposite of a Monkey Key is Monkey Keys? No Sarcastic Key, it isn’t a lock. The opposite is a nemesis. I love the concept of havening a nemesis. More accurately, I love the idea of having multiple nemeses.

“Come on Dylan, nobody wants a nemesis!” Look Logical Key, I don’t come to your job, steal your broom, replace it with a Swiffer Wet Jet, clean the spaghetti stains off the tile, eat your lunch from the office fridge, put a recommendation of “tubular hat Tuesday” in the comment card receptacle, attend your performance review, get promoted to mid level management, deny the suggestion of “tubular hat Tuesday” because that guy is a jerk anyway, break the bathroom sink, surf out of the office on the janitor closet door, wash up at your feet and give you a sloppy wet kiss yelling; “Viva la France!” So how about you don’t do it to me?

I love the idea of having multiple nemeses. See, imagine for a second you have a boring mundane job at some desk. I know, a hard concept, that’s why we’re imagining. You’ve just plopped a dollar into the office Coke machine, and realize with utter dismay you were sans the 25 cents required to consume your delicious carbonated beverage. You hop back to your desk and start digging through the drawer with random papers looking for the quarter you dropped in there after lunch 2 weeks ago. Suddenly, one of your nemeses saunters up and pulls the plug from behind your Fisher Price Laptopo. He turns to you and cackles maniacally saying, “You FOOL! Did you really think you could beat me?”

“Syphon!” you fire back in a dazed rage. “I thought I left you to die in Guatemala!”

“Oh Guatemala was just the beginning, friend. But this… this is your end!” Suddenly Syphon pulls a katana from beneath his JCPenny fall clearance sale sports jacket. The dim light from the fluorescents overhead accentuates his psychotic grin. He readies his blade, and brings it down like a thundering redwood.

Sparks shower the plastic high efficiency workplace as you’re barely able to block Syphon’s otherwise lethal blow with your own K-Mart brand titanium laced walking stick. His smile fades into a savage grimace. “You’re still trying to be difficult, even at the finale of your pathetic life!” He shouts bringing his blade back up beside his head.

“No Syphon,” you retort. “It is you who is being difficult.” You slowly stand before the seething adversary. “Still fighting the wars of days long past in your own tortured mind. It looks like it’s up to me to lay your demons to rest.” Dust from the corporation’s aging ventilation system floats down between you; a soft prelude to the inevitable violence that is about to ensue.

“You want to end my suffering?” Syphon stutters in a half laugh, half cry. “Then why don’t you die!” The reverberation of the metals meeting each other is almost deafening. Syphon has clearly been training. With two powerful slashes, he sends you sprawling into the white board depicting first fiscal quarter productivity estimates. Another quick follow-up has you rolling into a crate of surge protectors left over from the inter-office relocation act of ’72. You reach for your walking stick, but Syphon is too fast and sends it skidding beneath the nearby Coke machine.

“Pathetic,” He scoffs as the smile reclaims its territory on his face. “Any last words before I send you to the void?”

“Only one,” you say as a grin slyly crosses your lips. “Carbonation!” With a quick roll to the side you grab your lost quarter that had fallen behind the paper recycling bin and fling it into the gaping coin slot of the Coke machine. Your other free hand throws the power supply to your Laptopo into the diet Coke button.

“Nooooooo!” Syphon tries to scream as a diet coke is shot out from the base of the machine, but it is too late. The aluminum slams into his face with the force of a thousand suns, and he falls. As you slowly rise off the ground, the peasants are able to come out of their hiding places.

“It’s ok,” says you. “Everything is going to be ok…”

“Yeah,” says an auditor, “Looks like you gave him quite a pop!” Everyone shares jollies a moment, and then it’s back to work as usual.

Now, I dare you to tell me the above wouldn’t make your life. That’s what I thought Silent Key… and so, I love the idea of having multiple nemeses. Thank you Monkey Keys, and goodnight!

…and at the last second, Syphon’s eyes shoot open.

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