obfuscational hazard

Monkey Keys, there is a common concern in this country about people weighing too much. Just this last week a challenge was started at my company where teams of 8 or so are supposed to lose weight in exchange for… not getting fired I guess. The idea is these groups of people can hold each other accountable for their eating and exercise habits so weight will be lost by all, and the whole team will be able to rejoice with delicious moist cake at the end. Decadent, smooth, creamy, chocolate cake that melts to your tongue with every bite…

So, supposedly, we’ve been in this “obesity pandemic” for a few decades. You’d think all of our elbow room would be devoured by now to hear the media talk. Check out CNN’s take on it (in pretty flash format!). We’re at 25-30% in Michigan. It’s the news giving that number, so we can probably safely assume there’s a -10% margin of error there to add hysteria. But how do these numbers rank up with the other non-fat countries of the world? Conveniently, I haven’t been able to find any reputable numbers for countries like Kazakhstan. Why don’t you try to find a map of more than the US that lists obesity. Go ahead Recon Key, I’ll wait…

Yep nothing. That’s because the United States is full of itself (apparently in the literal sense according to any of those maps). I’ll be a good boy though and pretend that the United States is far worse than the rest of the world. If there’s really a problem that needs to be fixed, why aren’t we examining the thin countries to see what is keeping them healthy?

Take South America for instance. Yes I just referred to the continent as if it were one country. Because there were no maps of South American obesity, I was unable to see what any of the countries were named. I think there’s one called Belize. My theory is they have to be thin there in order to fit between the many trees. Observe:
Large aquatic beasts would be eating the natives left and right if they were unable to make it home in time for their minimalist dinner. Here in the States, we’ve outlawed aquatic beasts since the mid 60′s. Interestingly enough, weight has become an increased problem since.

This led me to think about other areas where weight isn’t a problem. Africa has lions and tigers. Australia has big jellyfish. Antarctica has penguins. Come on Keys, do I have to spell it out for you? Weight isn’t an issue anywhere in the world where humans are being eaten by things. The reason for this is obvious: the largest of us are also the tastiest.

So forget weight loss challenges, diets, exercise, pills, and cheap TV gimmicks. The secret to losing weight and keeping it off is right here Keys. Simply buy yourself a ravenous beast (I suggest velociraptor for aesthetic reasons). Then, get yourself a very fit roommate (Daniel Craig works great here. Don’t do King Leonidas unless you want to die.) Now get yourself in better shape than your roommate before the beast gets hungry. Even if you’re unable to do this, your weight problem will soon be a memory*!

“Great work Dylan! That’s another world problem you’ve solved!” Correction, Suck-Up Key, I didn’t solve a world problem. I solved an American problem. We in the US are too important to fix other country’s problems, or even make maps depicting them. Thank you for your vote of confidence though. Now if you need me, I’ll be eating the aforementioned cake.

* The writing staff of obfuscational hazard™ is in no way responsible for any injuries, up to and including death by consumption, that may be sustained by participating in the Dylan weight loss challenge. Individual results may very. Please consult your doctor before beginning any new weight loss regiment.

Monkey Keys, I’ve heard this “trust your instincts” phrase thrown around like softball player throws pumpkins. Not too often, and with a great deal of inaccuracy. Also, if the phrase hits directly, you get covered in that orange goop that is in a pumpkin but strangely absent from any other fruit. However, I don’t think it means what it’s supposed to mean. Let me elaborate.

Humans, first off, don’t really have instincts. Oh sure, we have a few like falling out of a plane is bad, and pretty women who like you are after your money, but nothing exceedingly useful. The common set of survival instincts most animals have has been bread out of us with the advent of grocery stores (See last post. Grocery stores still provide very real dangers.) We no longer heed our “primitive instincts” as they are sometimes called, instead opting for a meager existence within the bounds of society. There is no point, for instance, in creating a punji pit in your backyard to trap members of competing tribes. We have a justice system in place for that. Beating males over the head with a club as way to explain they need to find their own breeding woman has also become antiquated with the advent of mace. So what exactly are we trusting if one is to take the saying literally and “trust their instincts?”

Well, I would suspect those pumpkin throwers are really saying you should make a leap of faith. More precisely, you should make a decision based on little to no empirical evidence and trust your preconceived notion of the outcome to be accurate. In essence, you should think less and do more.

Interestingly, that is a very close definition to what an instinct is. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/instinct) Instead of contemplating a given action, you just know to do it intuitively. That’s fine and dandy, but when taken out of context, it can prove dangerous. A beaver may have the instinct to dam a river. It does not have the “instinct” to tail swipe a mountain lion, call it an ugly whiskered ninny, and then throw its fresh kill underneath said dam laughing “What now Throw Ruggy? Gonna EAT ME?” A human comparison here may be someone trusting their “instinct” that it is time to tell off their boss and find a new job. Since this clearly can’t be an instinct, a more descriptive saying would be to “randomly with no backup plan make a dangerous life altering decision.”

You may also view the phrase in a religious sense, maybe saying instead, “I’m not trusting MY instincts so much as I’m trusting God’s.” In essence though, this is still relying on a human characteristic; how you perceive God’s idea. This is arguably even more dangerous because instead of relying on nothing but a feeling, you’re relying on what you believe to be direct instruction. The image of 16th century crusaders or Spanish inquisitors committing horrible atrocities because God instructed them to do so is evidence of how horribly out of context one can take divine instinct.

Whether you view your modern instincts as faith, random action or emotion though, they are still a wild and unpredictable means to make a decision. “Ok Dylan, I guess I’ll always look before I leap and never trust my intuition.” No no Jump-To-Conclusion Key, that’s not the point I’m trying to make at all.

Trusting my “instincts” and doing things without proper foresight is what I do exceedingly often. The thing is, I don’t view it as trusting an actual animal-like instinct that couldn’t possibly be wrong. I view it in the same way a skydiver views leaping without a reserve shoot and with a million ton boulder wrapped around their neck. I hope the main shoot is going to open, but I’m ready for that crash, and I know the boulder is going to cause problems no matter what. I don’t actually prepare a backup plan or think out my options, rather I prepare in the same way one would prepare for the initial leap; emotionally and spiritually. Murphy’s Law has to be understood here. Whatever can go wrong, will. It’s up to you, Key, to be ready with a strong heart and the knowledge that nine times out of ten you’ll need those same instincts that messed everything up to help get you back on your feet.
So trust those rusty instincts. My rule has always been, if it feels right, it probably is. Just don’t lose that trust when you need the instincts to bail you out. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll get a little oiled up in the process.

Monkey Keys, there is a question that plagues me quite often in my daily regiment. If I were endowed with one super power, what would it be? I can tell a lot about a person by how they answer this question. For the longest time though, I wasn’t sure what I myself would pick.

Would I want to fly? Soaring above all the plebeians below would be a blasty blast, no doubts to that. But it may get cold in the upper ionosphere, and I’d probably have to worry about thinning air. Elasticity was nearly sold to me by Elastigirl in The Incredibles, but then nixed just as quickly by Mr. Fantastic in Fantastic 4. Teleportation? Oh man that is a cool one. I will give teleportation a close second place. Just thinking about being only a heartbeat away from any place or person, yeah you all want it.

So what ultimately won? I’ve decided I want a power indigenous to every computer program you’ve ever used. I think when you hear this, you’ll all agree. My power would be the ability to save and reload my life (incrementally of course, checkpoints and auto saves are unreliable). Now now, don’t knock it yet. Sure this is something you do on your Excel spreadsheet charting the effectiveness of motivational factors on adolescent dung beetles vs. human interns, but apply it for a second to life and you’ll see where I’m going.

Get a job that doesn’t work out in a year’s time? Just reload to last January and try the year out again. Going into a rough meeting? Save before hand and try it 45 times until everything goes swell. Nervous about asking that girl out? A quick press of the load button will fix any studdering idiocies you may have spouted. Now this isn’t even counting some of the life changing things you could do. Save life a few moments before the lottery is drawn, and then reload with the knowledge of the right numbers. Get into an epic car chase with the police, and reload to avoid any repercussions. With a little imagination, you could do anything in the entire world. Then, when you’re 95, reload to a time when you were 8 and try it all again!

Essentially, you’re getting time travel without all those pesky alternate dimensions, and other selves. The possibilities are so endless that the concept is hurting my head right now. Think about it Keys, and you’ll never look at Excel the same way.

So it’s New Years Day Monkey Keys. I could go into a long winded discussion about my new years resolutions, but since my resolution last year was to not make a resolution this year, I have to refrain in order to be in compliance.

Now now, don’t cry. There are plenty of other things we can talk about tonight. Just pick a topic and we’ll talk about that instead! Go Ahead, I’m really listening. …No that topic is stupid, try again. Mmmm… nah not a good one for the first of the year. No no… wait go back to the other thing you said! Yes, how to survive the first day back to work/school after an elongated break. That topic should be whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that bullies the topic’s emotional attachments to the subject matter.

It’s important to remember on your first day back that everyone is in the same boat. People are returning from their families, friends, loved ones, beautiful scenery, great times, and relaxation. IE, no one wants to do anything. There is one exception; the loveless workaholic Nazi hell spawn employee that worked all though the holidays, not because they were out of vacation days, but because they have a desire to destroy all that is good in this world. The aforementioned may look like the following:

Sure, cute until you read between the lines. This beast is out for vengeance. You see, while you were home having the time of your life, this creature was stewing. “Those lollygagers think they can just take all this time off, but work has to get done no matter what day it is,” this feline Grinch grinches. When you return to work, avoid this person at all costs. They will be the first to give you every single project they can find, and three that they can’t, just to be sure. If the projects don’t kill you, their volatile temperament surely will. Certainly don’t mention what an amazing time you had while not working. This will only serve to remind the beast of its own pitiful loveless existence, and it will eat you.

So you’re relaxing with all your buddies that did have a good time, now what? Well for starters, don’t set the work bar high for your team. You’re going to want to be doing about half as much work as whoever usually does everything. If you are the person who usually does everything, today is a golden opportunity to seek out possible nap locations at the workplace. Try to find closets, stockrooms, glades or conference rooms that aren’t usually frequented. If you do slip up and are found doing too much work, people will let you know with snide comments about how dedicated you are. These are warnings, heed them.

All this avoiding and napping can become understandably exhausting. Be sure to frequent hilarious and informative websites (or magazines if you’re a a computer-less job, just be sure to bring some in with you). Just don’t let your mind go idle because that’s the devil’s playground… and it’s boring.

All right, I have a chart just in case you’ve gotten lost:

A few quick notes here. You’ll notice nearing the end of the day you should be doing negative work. This can be accomplished by distracting other more productive people, or simply undoing work you did earlier in the day. Secondly, at around 3 PM the sea monster comes out. Be very careful at this time. I don’t think I have to explain why.

Ok, that wraps that topic up. I have to get some sleepsies for the long day ahead tomorrow. Good night Keys, and good luck!